Peter: Brian, can I see that paper for a sec? [Brian hands him the paper] Huh, that's odd. I thought that would be big news.
Brian: You thought what would be big news?
Peter: Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece. A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Peter: Oh, have you not heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard...
Brian: Heard what?
Stewie: Brian, don't! [Peter puts the record on and starts dancing and singing]

Brian: What the hell is your problem Zsa Zsa?
Arianna Huffington: What is yours, Snoopy?

You have to do some of the work yourself. That's why there are 50 blank pages.

Bill Maher: Help is such a strong word. How does this help people with cancer or in Darfur?
Brian: Well it's not really for that. It's for like, if you want a car or something.

Brian: Wish it, Want it, Do it.
Stewie: Love it!

Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

That jerk dog from our patio door somehow got inside a hubcap.

Pink Panther: Hey first day being pink?
Brian: Yeah.
Pink Panther: Welcome to hell.

Stewie: It's True Blood.
Brian: No one knows what that is.
Stewie: Rich, gay people do.

Stewie: How do you not know that your reflection in the patio door isn't another dog?
Brian: Hey, that guy is a dick.

Dear God, who definitely exists, we your people who have been on this planet for 6,000 years and not a second more want to thank you for this bounty and keeping congress primarily white through Christ, our Lord.

Oh no! It's a multi racial TV gang, including white guys.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.