Brian: Actually it's called Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: Really? Shouldn't it be person before animal, like Turner & Hooch?
Brian: I don't think that movie is a good example... of anything.

Brian: Don't you think it's too soon for a play about Terri Schiavo?
Chris: Or too late?

Julie: I'm not a lesbian.
Stewie [as Karina]: I'm not either.
Brian: What are you exactly?

Stewie: I think I'm in love with Julie. Whenever I talk to her, it makes my bandaid start to peel off.
Brian: What are you talking about?
Stewie: I'm talking about the thing. I gotta hide it for the cameras. Instead of tucking, I just push it in like a button and put a bandaid over it.
Brian: What kind of bandaid?
Stewie: A big one, big giant one. Nah, just one of those dots you put on a shot.

Dylan: Knock Knock?
Brian: Who's there?
Dylan: You're there.
Brian: I'll always be there, Dylan.

Stewie: Say Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen year old son, when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what Stewie, If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Brian: Gosh, this is a... lovely home Tracy.
Stewie: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Brian; So, Dylan... shouldn't you be in school?
Dylan: I dunno.
Brian: It's Wednesday.
Dylan: Up yours!
Stewie: Nice kid.

Stewie: You need more than that, you need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.Brian: Really?Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.Brian: What?Stewie: Saw me in half.

Brian: Don't worry, I got it under control Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
(conversation is heard over the monitor)
Stewie: Hey Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie: Oh just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here, now all I need is a tea bag. That something that interests you my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your f***ing pants off!
Dylan: I'm outta here.
Stewie: Huh, did you see that Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin huh? Gee whiz.

Oh my God, I attacked Lois! What the hell was I thinking? I'm a rapist. I-I'm no better than Kobe Bryant, or Mike Tyson, or Reagan.

Peter: You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple of months.
Brian: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Peter: Oh... you're a friggin' train wreck with that crap, Brian. You couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she was dumber than Lou Ferrigno.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie