South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralFavorite Butters Stotch Quotes
Chris Stotch: You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge of my young son here for me to realize it. Recently I'd been lying to my wife; I've been going to gay theaters and bath houses and having sex with anonymous men.
Butters: What?
Cartman: Whoa!
Linda: And when I found out about this I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake, I drove my son into the lake to kill him.
Butters: WHAT!
Chris: You see, we'd both been lying to all of you. And I know though many of you supported us, some of you also doubted us. You'd look at me and you'd say "Hello" but really you'd be thinking
(camera pan's to Gary Condit)
Liar! You're a liar! You know something you're not telling us you slimy scumbag liar! Or you be talking to my wife but secretly you'd be thinking
(camera pans to OJ)
MURDER! You got away with murder you stinking scumbag liar!
And that's what people would be thinking, or sometimes people would be talking with both of us and they would think
(camera pans to the Ramsey's)
MURDERER'S! You know goddamn well what happened to your kid so stop playing the victim and just confess you lying murdering liars!
(camera pans back to OJ)
MURDERER!
(back to Gary Condit) LIAR!
(back to the Ramseys) CONFESS!
(camera pans over all of them) MURDERER, LIAR, CONFESS!
So the people we owe the biggest apology to is OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave them false hope of catching who ever hurt them this badly, and that's not right. We're sorry. And that's what people would be thinking. So who we really owe the biggest apology for is to OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave you false hope.
Linda: Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?
Butters: Well first, he went to see a movie.
Linda: A movie? Hmm, I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.
Butters: I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. I didn't know it was open.
Linda: Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
Butters: Fisting Firemen 9. I've never seen 1 through 8.
Linda: Oh my God!
Butters: Uh, but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him.
Linda: Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?
Butters: To the gym.
Linda Stotch: To the gym.
Butters: Yeah. The White Swallow Spa. (Linda screams) Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds of guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
Linda: Butters! Are you sure about this, you have to be absolutely sure.
Butters: Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neat-o pictures. (Linda looks at the pictures) The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was going shopping for your present, when he was going out seeing movies and wrestling. (Linda collapses) Oh did you have a nice trip mom? See you next fall! (laughs) Mom?
Hello, excuse me! I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all $58 worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! (runs off) I helped the needy!
Cartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
Butters: [wearing mask; deep voice] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
Kyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
Somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with just about anything!
Stephen Stotch
Sister Anne: Now, let me explain how Communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker, and he will say, "The Body of Christ," and then you eat it.
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?!
Sister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: Nononono!
Butters: Uh-well, uh-what are we eatin' then?
Sister Anne: The Body of Christ!
Stan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No??
Butters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.
Butters: I asked preacher, what about the New Testament? And he says well you still should ought to read it, but you gonna need to put an asterisk next to Jesus' name when ever it comes up!
Cartman: So weak, dude. Dark times, brah. Dark times.
Mark: Now look at her she's a damn whore papa.
Butters: Damn right.
Stan: Just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah we're guys dude; we find something about all our friends to rip on. We make fun of you for being rich like we rip on Butters for acting wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah and like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman: Yeah.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman: Hey.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Ay!! You did me already.
Token: You're right guys, for now on I'm find for being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh we're not going to rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude, since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.
Stan: Yeah now you're a pussy, pussaholic.
Kyle: Come on nurse Token we're going to play football ya puss.
Cartman: Pussy!
Butters: Yeah what a pussy.
Craig: Yeah that guy's a pussy.
(as Barbie) Butters, would you like to slap my titties around?
[all the boys, except Cartman, look the same with the same clothes and no hair]
Stan: Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
Butters: I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan: No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: Hehe, guess who I am, guys?
Cartman: You were sleep walking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker in a moose suit and you left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Butters: What? Oh no.
Cartman: You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you.
Butters: I got her killed too? Owell, at least she was ugly.
