Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Dr. Freeman: Okay, I got 5 minutes before my next patient so why don’t you just give me the headline.
Charlie: Okay, I’m seeing a woman.
Dr. Freeman: That’s not a headline Charlie, that’s the name of the paper.
Charlie: I know but she’s different than the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Freeman: Oh yeah, different how?
Charlie: Well, she’s a little older.
Dr. Freeman: You really couldn’t go younger without having to register with the authorities.

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.

Gordon: God, I love your life.
Charlie: Thanks, but it's really not as fun as it looks.
Gordon: Really?
Charlie: Nah, I'm kidding! Cheers to me!

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.

Charlie: My date just canceled on me.
Gordon: Can't the service just send over another girl?

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

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