Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Dr. Freeman: Okay, I got 5 minutes before my next patient so why don’t you just give me the headline.
Charlie: Okay, I’m seeing a woman.
Dr. Freeman: That’s not a headline Charlie, that’s the name of the paper.
Charlie: I know but she’s different than the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Freeman: Oh yeah, different how?
Charlie: Well, she’s a little older.
Dr. Freeman: You really couldn’t go younger without having to register with the authorities.

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.

Gordon: God, I love your life.
Charlie: Thanks, but it's really not as fun as it looks.
Gordon: Really?
Charlie: Nah, I'm kidding! Cheers to me!

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.

Charlie: My date just canceled on me.
Gordon: Can't the service just send over another girl?

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

Alan: You have to forget about her, Charlie.
Charlie: (holding bottle of liquor) I know, that's why I got me some milk of amnesia.

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!

Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 796 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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