Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk!?
Charlie: Rose, this really isn't the best time. Alan is pretty sick.
Rose: Oh, no. Poor Alan, is Charlie taking good care of you?
Alan: Not really.
Rose: Would you like me to take care of you?
Alan: Not really
Charlie: Hey, how can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Jake: How?
Charlie: There's footprints in the cheesecake.
Jake: But we don't have a cheesecake.
Charlie: That's the part you don't buy?
Charlie: Hey, hey. Maple Loops is part of a nutritious balanced breakfast.
Alan: Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli
Prudence: You know, I always wanted to play the piano. Do you think you can teach me something?
Charlie: No. Nothing. Not a damn thing
Whew.. whew... look, Prudence, this just can't happen. I mean you're very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here, could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life
Alan [about Judith]: What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.
It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack
Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that
Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
Lisa: Charlie, you'll never change. Look at you. A grown man who can't even commit to long pants.
Charlie: I can commit to long pants. I was just focused on the shirt today. And for your information, I've been going through changes like you wouldn't believe since the last time we were together.
Lisa: Like what?
Charlie: Well... I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie! What poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no. It's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like "Mr. Family Guy".
Lisa: You're right... Family Guy. How is it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell has my mom got to do with family?!
