Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy

• Permalink: Mom, I'm afraid if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld

• Permalink: Dad, what's the blowhole for? I'll tell you what it's NOT for ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I guess I could ride him to the store

• Permalink: Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't ge...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "Melanoma."
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified

• Permalink: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Chris: Hey dad, where you going with that cutout?
Peter: Oh hey kids, this is Kathy, we're designing lifestyle products together. It's completely legitimate, but don't tell your mother!

• Permalink: Hey dad, where you going with that cutout? Oh hey kids, this i...
• Added: October 05, 2009

Brian: Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris: Brown is the color of poo. Ha ha ha!
Brian: Yes. Yes it is

• Permalink: Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you, there's something magical ab...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Chris: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me.
Peter: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris: The U.S. Army.
Peter: Oh, that's a good army

• Permalink: Dad, I tried to go to school but this guy won't let me. Oh yea...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Peter [reading his tax refund]: Oh my god, it's better than I thought. An Audi! I'm gettin' a car!
Brian: Uh, Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "audit".
Peter: No, Brian, it's a foreign car... the "t" is silent. Sweet, I'm gettin' an Audi!
Chris [lifts up his shirt]: I have an innie

• Permalink: Oh my god, it's better than I thought. An Audi! I'm gettin' a ca...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Peter [after surgery]: Knock knock!
Brian: Hey, pal, you can't just walk in here without - holy crap, it's Peter.
Chris: Dad, you're pretty, like a girl

• Permalink: Knock knock! Hey, pal, you can't just walk in here without - h...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter. You're just a fat kid. Sorry about that, Fatty Fat Fatty. Hey, Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, Fatty? You're just a big old fat kid. Here's some chocolate, Fatso.
Chris: Thanks

• Permalink: You're not a shoplifter. You're just a fat kid. Sorry about that...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Lois: Okay, meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steamed vegetable dish for Chris.
Chris: Ohhh. It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past it's prime

• Permalink: Okay, meatloaf for us, and a very special, very delicious, steam...
• Added: September 29, 2009

Chris: Okay, Meg. I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definitely not kitty. Can you guess what it is?
Meg: Is it kitty?
Chris: Ahh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head?

• Permalink: Okay, Meg. I'm thinking of another word. This time it's definite...
• Added: September 29, 2009