Phil do we have to go through this again? I told you that I would do everything possibly to make sure that your skeleton ends up in a science class at a women's college.

Phil: I'm just excited. After today you're going to be a councilwoman and I'm going to be a first husband.
Claire: If you don't stop filming, you're going to be MY first husband.

Claire: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah you said it was only for teenagers or people who wanted to have affairs.

Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone like they're crazy, actually makes them crazy?

I can be spontaneous every 4 years.

I live with 4 teenagers, you live with 2 adults.

Sometimes I worry nobody's going to like Alex.

I know it's stupid, but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll fight for me and all I have to do is laugh at some other guy's story.

Phil: All over YouTube.
Claire: It went viral.
Phil: Some sicko auto-tunned me.

Luke: You yelled at my teacher for calling me special.
Claire: Hunnie that wasn't a compliment.

The way we compete with each other is sick! Two 13-year-olds knew how to take advantage of us.

Claire: I assure you, you are fine.
Phil: That's very comforting coming from a marketing major at a party school.