Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael: Yeah. It must really have you thinking.
Creed: About what?
Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed: Ed was decapitated.
Michael: What?
Dwight: Really?
Creed: He was drunk as a skunk. He was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. Snaps right off.
Michael: Oh my God.
Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed: You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed: What did I say?

Pam: What?
Creed: Just looking.
Pam: Please go back to your desk.
Creed: In a minute.

[referring to Angela, to longtime co-worker Meredith] Andrea is the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [extends hand] Creed.

I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the 60's I made love to many, many women - often outdoors, in the mud and the rain... and it's possible a man slipped in. There'd be no way of knowing.


Michael: I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim: Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.
Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: What?
Phyllis: Afghani.
Michael: That's a dog.
Pam: No, that's afghan.
Michael: That's a shawl.
Dwight: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael: No, humans with AIDS.
Creed: Who has AIDS?

[after winning the fridge] I've never owned a refrigerator before.


Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only." Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?

Michael: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
[cut to interview]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Creed: That is "Northern Lights". Cannabis indica.
Dwight: [sighs] No, it's marijuana.

[to the kids] You ever seen a foot with four toes?

Michael: This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something... right?
Creed: That is correct.

Ryan: Creed? Did you organize the menu book?
Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan: No... it was mandatory.
Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

The Office Quotes

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.


Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.