George: (on Kramer) He stole your girlfriend?
Susan: Yes. She's in love with him.
George: Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.

Restaurateur: I don't have time to smell cars.
George: Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source

George: "Interest" - it's an amazing thing, you make money by doing nothing.
Jerry: I have some friends who base their lives on that very principal.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: No one you know.

(Jerry is in his apartment, obliviously relating the day's events to George.)
Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient?"
Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?!
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
George: W-ca-What did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They left the Junior Mint in him?
Jerry: Yes!
George: I-I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things.
Jerry: Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

(explaining why he wants to watch a video at Jerry's place) Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.

(George double-dips a chip, and Timmy rushes over to him after seeing what he did)
Timmy: What are you doing?
George: What?
Timmy: Diddid you just double-dip that chip?
George: Excuse me?
Timmy: You double-dipped the chip!
George: Double-dipped? What are you talking about?
Timmy: You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.
George: So?
Timmy: That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!

(to housekeeper) I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

George: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?Newman: Sometimes.Jerry: Why is that?Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.Jerry: All right, all right.

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