Peter: "I'M Back Bush?"
Quagmire: "This can't be a surprise to you, Peter."
Peter: "Yea, I knew, I just didn't know you knew!"

Carter: "Hey Quandry."
Quagmire: "No, no it's Quagmire."

"O come on! They don't own French fries!"

Joe: "I know, an exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn. Boy do sparks fly on those."
Quagmire: "Oh is it hot?"
Joe: "Eh, it's mostly chairs smashing into each other."

"Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive... oh you know what? This is the wrong journal..."

Meg: "Hey, when you get sexually abused in a coma, do you know it's happening and can't do anything about it, or do you just not know what's going on?"
Quagmire: "I also am curious about that."

Peter: Eddie Izard would be very discreet.
Quagmire: Well, there's your answer.

Peter: Whoa, what the hell are these? Hamsters?
Quagmire: They're adorable!

Quagmire: So, do you guys not do the anal probe thing anymore?
Alien: No, that's more of less been retired.
Quagmire: I see, I see...do you guys still have the thing?

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

It's kinda weird that 80's white clothes could pass for 90's white clothes...

Quagmire: What can I say? I really like watching her box.
Peter: That means two things.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Announcer: We now return to Morgan Freeman starring in "The Narrator."
Morgan Freeman: Ever since I was a little boy, people have enjoyed the sound of my voice. And I figured you either get busy talkin or you get busy dyin'. The work is really quite easy. Why even right now I'm just sitting in a chair, sipping some tea and reading from a script. The wall is covered in something that resembles egg crates except they're soft and spongy, like a twinkie...like a twinkie.