Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Quagmire: So, do you guys not do the anal probe thing anymore?
Alien: No, that's more of less been retired.
Quagmire: I see, I see...do you guys still have the thing?

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

It's kinda weird that 80's white clothes could pass for 90's white clothes...

Quagmire: What can I say? I really like watching her box.
Peter: That means two things.

Peter: Man would you look at that? Two smoking hot repeatedly striking each other.
Quagmire: Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving.
Peter: Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving?
Quagmire: 'Cause this is where I come for Thanksgiving.

Oh yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house? I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm not longer in school. Sometimes, I drink out of a wood box. I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.

Come on guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

C-3PO/Quagmire: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are 2-1!
Han/Peter: Never tell me the o-oh... well that's not bad. Never mind, let's keep going.

Han/Peter: Hey, let me introduce everybody. You remember Chewbacca and this is my special friend Leia and that's uh... that's Sarge over there.
C-3PO/Quagmire: You don't know my name do you? You never bothered to learn it.
Han/Peter: What are you talkin' about? We've been through all kinds of space adventures together. Of course I know you slugger.
C-3PO/Quagmire: Sha, sure. Nice to meet you. I'm C-3PO...
Han/Peter: C3PO. Yeah I was just gonna introduce you, C-3PO. Why didn't you let me C-3PO?
Lando/Neil: Uh... Maybe we should go inside.
Han/Peter: Yeah let's get inside C-3PO. You ever been to cloud city C-3PO?

Peter: Hispanic female doctor or gay masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: no.
Quagmire: So it's basically, "would your rather get a massage from a gay man or die?"

Joe, don't you dare. I'll push you right into traffic.

Hi Angela. I'm Peter's friend, Glen Quagmire. Thanks for having me in your home and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire. Some friend, huh?

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 136 in total