Peter: "I'M Back Bush?"
Quagmire: "This can't be a surprise to you, Peter."
Peter: "Yea, I knew, I just didn't know you knew!"

Carter: "Hey Quandry."
Quagmire: "No, no it's Quagmire."

"O come on! They don't own French fries!"

Joe: "I know, an exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn. Boy do sparks fly on those."
Quagmire: "Oh is it hot?"
Joe: "Eh, it's mostly chairs smashing into each other."

"Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive... oh you know what? This is the wrong journal..."

Meg: "Hey, when you get sexually abused in a coma, do you know it's happening and can't do anything about it, or do you just not know what's going on?"
Quagmire: "I also am curious about that."

Peter: Eddie Izard would be very discreet.
Quagmire: Well, there's your answer.

Peter: Whoa, what the hell are these? Hamsters?
Quagmire: They're adorable!

Quagmire: So, do you guys not do the anal probe thing anymore?
Alien: No, that's more of less been retired.
Quagmire: I see, I see...do you guys still have the thing?

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the federal boob inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

It's kinda weird that 80's white clothes could pass for 90's white clothes...

Quagmire: What can I say? I really like watching her box.
Peter: That means two things.

Family Guy Quotes

[when he has an orgasm with Carolyn] Wait. Wait! Wait!! OHHHH!!! And boom goes the dynamite.

Cleveland

Simon: Nice effort Brad, but let's remember our performance hierarchy: legitimate theatre, musical theatre, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime