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Sasha: Once you fucked my mother my vagina pretty much sealed right up.
Hank: So you're like a Barbi now?

Peggy: I was just telling him I started my period and that my cherry poppin' daddy needs to earn his red wings.
Hank: Oh boy, this planet that you're from? How far from the sun we talking?
Peggy: Excuse fellas, this dirty little girl scout needs to plug herself up. Don't worry Charlie, I'll let you pull the string.

Karen: And the judge? Did you sleep with the judge too?
Hank: No, no, just a little oral and some anal. Its hard to get the robe up.

Karen: Oh my god, nothing changes! You got off so fucking lucky today and are still behaving like a bratty child.
Hank: Right...thank you for reeling me in. Let's hug it out. Celebrate my good fortune?

Oh never have I been so excited to write a huge check and service the community for twelve days.

Hank: Oh god, pity those poor kids who are never going to forget this image of this big naked man-baby rising up from the water like the creature from the pasty white lagoon.
Charlie: There's no grosser than your mother and father they used to sneak off to do it everywhere. In bathrooms, in utility closets...
Marcy: True, didn't you schlob Hank's knob on a balcony once?

Abby: Oh my god you're so generous and sweet.
Hank: Yeah I know I'm going to make some White Power guy an excellent bitch.

You can't let the priests have all the fun.

Well that happened.

The only thing I'm guilty of is poor judgement.

Get me a strainer, I'll clean it up, I'll make it nice.

Revenge is a dish best served with my dick.

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 141 in total

Californication Quotes

She's the kind of girl a guy meets when he's too young and he fucks up because there's too much looting left to do.


Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.