Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So, people don't get hurt.
Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug... creates a tripping hazard...and open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking

Gloria: Jay, I'm home. Did Manny call?
Jay: No, because he's fine. It was a slumber party, not a gang fight.

Jay: What's up!
Mitchell: Uh, well you know, uh, moms in town.
Jay: Your mom?
Mitchell: No, no your mom. She's back from the grave. Yes, yes my mom, dad.
Jay: My mom would be less scary

Phil [to Manny]: Nice moustache
Jay: Don't make fun of him or he'll burn your house down

Gloria: I'm taking a shower, would you like to join me?
Jay: Honey, you know there's a gun in the footlocker in the garage, if I ever say no, I want you to use it on me

Phil: If things have gone differently in my life I could have been a pilot.... What would happen if you turn the remote off and on right again?
Jay: Yeah, you would have made a great pilot

Gloria: Men need their hobbies. Manny's father had many hobbies like hiking in the desert, that kind of skiing where they drop you from the, how do you say in English? [Makes helicopter sounds]
Jay: Helicopter.
Gloria: Yes. Once on a dare, he even boxed with an alligator.
Jay: Wrestle, you wrestle... you can't box with alligators.
Gloria: You sure?
Jay: How would they get the gloves on their little claws?
Gloria: Aren't they like tiny little hands?
Jay: No! Okay, now I forgot what we were talking about.
Gloria: Anyways, hobbies are important for the men. Whether you're risking your life, or flying little planes from a safe distance

Manny: I wish I could stay home with you and fly toy airplanes.
Jay: These aren't toy airplanes, Manny. These are models and they're very complicated. You wanna fly one of these, you gotta be familiar with air foyle, drag, lift and thrust, and these are all principles of aerodynamics.
Manny: The box says twelve and up.
Jay: What?!
Gloria: You can fly toy planes with Jay next time. Today you have to spend time with Luke.
Manny: Why?
Gloria: Because his mother invited you, so you go. Family needs to be close, right Jay?
Jay [looking at the box]: I'm pretty sure this is a typo

90 percent of being a dad is just showing up

The only way his dad is like superman is that he landed in this country illegally

Manny [about his father]: He's not afraid of anything, he doesn't wear a seat belt when he drives. He killed a bear once
Jay: Oh yeah? Was the bear in the passenger seat?

Gloria [about Manny]: It's good, he keeps us grounded
Jay: Like a fog at a airport