I have to get old... you don't have to get fat.

I mean, for me it's a locker room. For him, it's a showroom.

Cameron: Don't tell me that was your first moon landing.
Jay: You have a name for it?!?

We're guys, we don't open up. We talk about sports and cars and getting up in the middle of the night to pee.

He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.

You're just mad at the old balls and chain.

I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff. But you want different.

I could be sitting grill-side watching a guy build an onion volcano. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen.

Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Someone has to. I got two Colombians as home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican right?
Jay: Ahh. Burrito, burr-righto.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That's doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

[Jay and Manny watching Miracle on 34th Street]
Manny: Are you crying?
Jay: What are you, a robot? It's a deeply emotional movie.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women.
Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, Serena Williams… Wait a minute.

Phil Dunphy