(To Dr. Cox) Want me to bury you?

Dr. Cox: WE dont need any of your head shrinking.
J.D.'s narration: "We"! He said "we"! After all these years hes finally made us a team!
J.D.: Yeah, Hedrick! If it was up to us, WE would never even called you. WE can handle death just fine. WE might even be going into private practice together.
Dr. Cox: What!?
J.D.'s narration: Easy! That was not the time to discuss the Dorian-Cox clinic. Much less the relocation to Jacksonville.

J.D.'s narration: I was in the Porsche, I had never made it into the Porsche. It smelled like German heaven. I wasn't going to blow this opportunity. I had to be careful about every little...hey a rootbeer.
Dr. Cox: Don't open that soda, it has been rolling around on the floor for months, it will explode.
J.D.: Apparently you're not familiar with the John Dorian three tap method. Three taps and the foam goes bye, bye.
(He taps the can three times and opens it)
J.D.: Works everytime.
(Soda explodes)
J.D.: The quickest way to my house is to take Elm.

Turk: What's up buddy, you need a ride?
J.D.: Keep moving C Bear.

He hid them in his pantalones. He loves these apples. He makes apples pie and apples juice with them.

Those are beautiful antlers.

J.D.: Cabbage!
Cabbage and Mark: Yes sir.
J.D.: Oh no, Mark. I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Cabbage.
Mark: But my last name's Cabbage.
J.D.: I know that, but I've nicknamed you "Wolfman" for your keen sense of smell.
J.D.'s narration: And your ridiculously hairy torso.
J.D.: Now, what can I do you for?
Cabbage: Dr D., is the IV supposed to leak like this?
J.D.: Well, yes and no. Mostly no. Really, really all no.

Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.
J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!

J.D.: What guy drunkenly kissed you when you were sleeping?
J.D.'s narration: And it was at that moment that Turk and I remembered the incident we managed to block out for twelve years!
Turk: Uh, you're okay with us not hanging around for a couple of weeks?
J.D.: Totally!

J.D.: Dr. Cox, may I borrow your pen?
Dr. Cox: Not going to happen!! I had to strangle a nurse to get this clicky top.
J.D.: Pleeaasse! Im in the middle of a very threatening speech.
Dr. Cox: Return this pen or die painfully!

Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?
J.D.: The other's surnames lend themselves to a nickname.
Keith: My last name is "Dudemeister"!
J.D.: What can I do with that? I'm not a magician!

J.D.: You're late Keith. Which doesn't surprise me, because you're a terrible person.
Keith: Sorry, I was helping with a gunshot victim downstairs.
J.D.: Lies won't get you anywhere, Keith.
Keith: I'm... covered in his blood.
J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.
Carla: Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.
Gunshot victim: Hey, my blood!
J.D.: That's not your blood.
Gunshot victim: Yes, it is!
J.D.: Quiet time.

Scrubs Quotes

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!