Kelly Kapoor Quotes
Toby: Good morning, Kelly.
Kelly: I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel?
Toby: Fine. Good.
Kelly: I feel weird.
Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard on Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Ryan: Kelly.
Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.
Ryan: I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid-20s and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cut to interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the Internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
Jim: Hey man.
Darryl: What's up man?
Jim: What's going on?
Darryl: Make a delivery.
Jim: Oh yeah?
Darryl: Kelly ordered this online.
Michael: The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight.
Dwight: That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website.
Jim: Actually it sounds like you are.
Dwight: Really? 'Cause Ryan says so?
Kelly: If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.
Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Ryan: So, how are you?
Kelly: Awesome. I am dating a lot of guys.
Ryan: Good.
Kelly: A lot. Black guys mostly.
Ryan: Kelly...
Kelly: What?!
Ryan: This is a massive overhaul. We're getting younger. Sleeker. And more agile so that we adapt to the market place. All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use.
Michael: Ohhhh. Gimmme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Ryan: I'll stick around to help you set them up afterwards. Any questions?
Dwight: What if we don't want to use a Blackberry because they are stupid and pointless?
Ryan: This is company-wide, Dwight.
Dwight: Got it.
Ryan: Andy?
Andy: We should call it Dunder Mifflinfinity. You know, push the words together?
Ryan: Any other questions?
Kelly: Can we speak privately about our relationship?
Ryan: Thank you everybody.
Toby: And the winner is Toby Flenderson!
Kelly: Have a seat, I'll write it down.
Toby: Where are we?
Kelly: I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office.
Toby: He couldn't have made it a circle?
Pam: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin: Who's we, you and Jim?
Pam: No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin: Oh, I bet Jim goes too.
Pam: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin: Oh, I bet you ask?
Pam: I was planning on it.
Kevin: I bet you were.
Angela: Subtle.
