Cougar Town
Tuesdays 10:00 PM on TBSPopular Laurie Keller Quotes
Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.
Laurie: What is this? It looks like a smoke detector from a disco.
Ellie: That is a Simon.
Laurie: I almost barfed. Luckily I can control my gag reflex. [Looks at Ellie] Nothing?
Ellie: I don't swing at softballs.
Jules: No one gets any wine until they say something nice about Ellie.
Laurie: I'm going to a bar.
Since you recently found out you're a dad, I baked you a congrats on your baby-that-you-had-with-a-drunk-that-picked-up-at-your-bar-before-you-started-dating-Jules cake!
Travis: Well you're betraying your own life philosophy.
Laurie: Never fight shorthaired bitches?
If there's anything we've learned from Michelle Pfieffer in Dangerous Minds, or Sandy Bullock in The Blind Side, or Hilary Swank in that movie nobody ever saw, is that all you need to fix minority problems is a really pretty white woman.
I'm gonna leave before I stab a bitch.
Laurie: Wait guys, I read something!
Ellie: Already not a true story.
Laurie: Zooey Descha-hell-no, what you two need is revenge. If someone hurts you, you hurt them right back.
Jules: Yeah revenge is better I'm in.
Andy: Me too.
Don't look a gift whore in the mouth.
I am now the official baker of the Latin Kings. Lil' Choke is gonna be so excited he gets stomped in this week.
