Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Lois Griffin Quotes
(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!
Quagmire: (Pointing to strip of carpet.) Hey, uh, Lois, do you want me to leave a little strip in this thing? Maybe a lightning bolt, a unicorn, or something like that?
Lois: No, I want it all gone Glenn.
Quagmire: All right, we're going Brazilian!
Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her house?
Lois: She won't care Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
Peter: (laughing) When will it work for her?
(Peter enters the bedroom on his horse)
Peter: Ugh, it's been a long day Lois, a long day.
(Peter gets into bed, with the horse)
Lois: Peter what the hell, you can't bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He's a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect--The horse may have pooped in the bed.
Peter: Hey Lois, you say something?
Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. (to Brian) That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
TV Announcer: This is Channel 5 news Texas, with Duke Dillon.
Duke: Howdy Texas, I'm Duke Dillon. At the top of the news tonight, authorities have called off their pursuit of a fugitive Rhode Island baby, who was thought to be possessed by the devil.
Lois: Oh, thank god!
Duke: This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today, that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation. Due to last weeks discovery of the Super Devil. Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story.
Dallas: Thanks Duke, well let me try and get you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here. Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil. Now as you can see, there are some significant differences. The super devil is at least six inches taller, uh, he has a flying motorcycle, and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.
(the family is sitting around the dinner table, and Lois walks in)
Peter: Oh, finally! Some of us have been waitin' all evening for a certain wife to come home and feed her starving family.
Lois: Peter, I told you I was gonna be late. Couldn't you have handled dinner?
Peter: You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois. That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst in a "hot body, weird face" contest, it can't be done.
Lois: Meg and I have been working at nights.
(scene cuts to Meg and Lois in an alley dressed as hookers. Car pulls over)
Man: I'll take the one in the right.
Lois: (opens the car's door ) Well, once again, Meg, I'll be back in an hour.
Peter: Chris, I would give you a hug, but I'm exhausted for working two jobs for paying your scholarship. I've been selling buttscratchers-BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows Lois a tiny hand on a stick )
Lois: No, Peter.
Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois again )
Lois: Peter, no!
Peter: BUTTSCRATCHER! ( shows buttscratcher to Lois once again )
Lois: NO!
Peter: ( sad ) Buttscratcher...
Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.
Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?
School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally.
Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Chris: Lets just go.
Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.
