Lois Griffin Quotes
Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
Lois: Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
Chris: What's the difference?
Lois: Well, what you said first was... well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... never mind.
Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your Vag.
Peter: (very drunk) Did I miss Byron's reward?
Lois: "Brian's award". And yes, you did!
Peter: Brian, you've been a good son, and I'm sorry you're so sick.
Brian: Lois, I really like to talk about this.(Brian starts scratching the door)
Lois: No! Stop scratching the door!
Peter: I am so glad Brian brought us out here, Lois. He's a real pal, you know that?
Lois: Well, it's actually Brian I need to talk to you about.
Peter: Boy, he's a hell of a guy, isn't he? He's the one guy I know I can trust.
Lois: Brian tried to have sex with me.
Peter: Was he bigger than me?
Lois: (after reading Peter's note) Well, heh, it looks like I am free. Hey, you know what might be fun? How bout we just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies?
Brian: Yeah, that does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
Lois: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.
(after arriving at the resort) Brian, this is wonderful. I feel like one of the Kennedys. You know, the over privileged drunk ones, not the socially responsible dead ones.
Lois: Peter, someone's been using your credit card!
Peter: Lois, I hear what you're saying, but like my credit card, I have a very low rate of interest.
Lois: Peter, have you seen Brian?
Peter: (with his back to her, his voice is muffled) No, Lois. I have not.
Lois: Well, I haven't seen him since this morning and I--what is that on your head?
(Peter turns to reveal Brian duct taped to his face)
Peter: It's a mustache, Lois! What, you've never seen a mustache before?!
Brian: (calmly)Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Peter: Quiet, mustache!
Peter: Black mail call!
Lois: Peter, you were supposed to collect Cleveland's mail, not go through it.
Peter: Lois, black people aren't like you and I, and I find that hilarious!
Lois: Peter, Meg's been down there an awfully long time.
Peter: Boy, you cannot wait to criticise her at every turn, can you, Lois?
Lois: Wow Peter, I gotta say, you've really been true to your word about treating Meg better.
Peter: She's my only daughter, Lois. She needs to be protected, like a rare gemstone, or the herniated scrotum of an older gentleman.