Molly Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands?
Lois: I know! Who would have thought Bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot. The one place no one would look.

Lois: Oh you guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your hard work. It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Peter: Hey Lois, take a look. I just made five hundred tee shirts that say "Vote For Lois, unless you're queer. No, wait, even if you're queer. No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Lois: Hey you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Lois: And I think we all realize the importance of stopping the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog. Which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase that will help us to--
(crowd begins to boo loudly)
Man #1: No, no, no, that's awful, no, no, no, I'm not okay with that.
Man #2: (chanting) No new taxes!
Crowd: No new taxes! No new taxes! No new taxes!
Lois: But... what about the terrorists?
(entire crowd gasps)
Lois: That's right, terrorists. We have intelligence that suggests that... Hitler... is plotting... with, with the Legion of Doom... to assassinate Jesus. Using the lake as a base.

Chris: (rings doorbell, person answers) Hi, I'm going door to door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
(Camera pans to show Lois standing in the doorway)
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah, then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.

Chris (moaning): Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Lois: Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Meg: Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Stewie: I don't think it's so bad, I feel rather like Mozart.
Brian: Hey Stewie, play Haydn.
(Stewie plays toy piano, Meg, Lois, and Chris laugh and clap)
Brian: Now play Handel.
(Stewie plays again, gets cheers from Meg, Lois and Chris)
Peter: Play Peter Griffin.
Stewie: Ah, now that is a challenge.

(Adam gasps)
Lois: What is it?
Adam: (quietly) A bee just flew in through the window. Don't move.
(The bee sits in the mayor's chair)
Bee: Hmm. Now look who's mayor. First order of business; free honey for everyone! Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee--OW! Oh, done stung myself. Bye world...

Peter: Lois, don't freaking put me through this again.
Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked the Nutcracker didn't you?
Peter: No Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And, and, with a name like the Nutcracker, I thought, oh, this would be worth a few yucks. But no Lois, that title wrote a check to those queers on stage refused to cash.

Lois: So, do you think your school would be right for Chris?
School Guide: Oh, Absolutely. Quahog school for the deaf has great programs, both academic and athletic. In fact, your just in time for our Homecoming Pep Rally.
Guy: What are we gonna do to Lincoln!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Guy: I can't hear you!
Crowd: Kill them!
Chris: Lets just go.

Lois: They cut our school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the founding fathers had in mind. (Cuts to scene to signing of Declaration of Independence.)
Man On Podium: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take roll call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Thomas Jefferson: Here.
Man on Podium: Benjamin Franklin?
Benjamin Franklin: Here.
Man on Podium: John Footpenis?
John Hancock: It's Hancock now.
Man on Podium: Why?
John Hancock: Mind your business, that's why.

Israel. The brand new country everyones gonna love.

</i> Lois

Principal: I suppose there is one thing I could do to raise the school's test average.
Lois: Then do it!
Principal: Oh right, we'll drop the dumbest student we have. Chris Griffin is hereby expelled!
Chris: But if I leave now, I won't hear who is the dumbest kid in school.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie