Chris: Hey, check it out, there's an air show!
Lois: Oh my god, they're gonna crash!
Peter: Oh no don't worry, it's a gay air show. They're just gonna lightly touch tips.

Lois: Peter, where'd you even get the money to make that kind of purchase?
Peter: I sold the house. And I did it on Craigslist, so now I have a dangerous friend!

Lois: Peter, you went out and bought a farm without talking to me about it?
Peter: Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the first part of my sentence.

Lois: Oh my God! We've been burglarized!
Stewie: Well, we'll just have to get that $17 insurance check and start over.

Lois: Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me. It's my home.
Stewie: Yeah, come on guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.

Lois: Well, I disagree with you guys. I think Quahog is still pretty great.
Peter: You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.

Lois: An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that.
Stewie: You're in the house 14 hours a day, what would you notice?

Lois: I can't believe Horace's dead.
Stewie: I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

Lois: Who threw out my sequined top?
Stewie: You're 43, accept it!

Lois: Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay?
Dr. Hartman: One more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.

Lois: Peter, what happened to your voice?
Peter: Oh, you know what happened, you sexy minx. My white blood cells attacked the pathogens and created antibodies and then the pathogens were filtered out by my kidneys into my urine and then expelled from my body, you slut.

Family Guy Quotes

Young Michael Jackson: The kid in me likes the frosted side.
Adult Michael Jackson: But the grown-up in me likes the kid in me.

Peter: I'm making my own Red Bull! Lois can't stop me from experiencing the manic highs and lows my body demands.
Brian: Whoa, whoa you're adding kerosene? That's insane! That'll destroy your body, Peter!
Peter: Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull...
Brian: That drink will kill you, Peter.
Peter: Whatever kills me will make me stronger.