Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Peter: Guys, be sure to look down the whole time. It's really deep and freaky and disoritenting! [falls] It's okay, there'a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushioned my fall.
Lois: Do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack?
Peter Uh, no.
Lois: No like you checked and there aren't any no, or no you're just assuming?
Peter: I'm embarassed.

Hey, it's cooked food in another house. That's exciting for light older women like me.

Lois: Peter, will you stop being so jealous? I dated Ross 20 years ago.
Peter: That's right, that means he had you first, Lois. I'll always be Scottie Pippen to his Michael Jordan.

Lois: Wow, congratulations on your grand re-opening, Mort! Looks like your customers are coming back!
Mort: Thanks, Lois! It's good to be up and gouging again!

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Brian: Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell what he can and can't do.
Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Lois: How could you do this? You have a family!
Peter: For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

"Look at them, they're getting along like Billy Bob Thornton and his cat!"

Eric: "Hi! I'm a nude vampire."
Alcide: "Hi! I'm a nude werewolf."
Sookie: "And that's the show!"
Lois: "Peter, come down! That gay show you like is on."

"I have three very wide-eyed children to feed."

Thief

"If you think I'm going to masturbate after this tonight...you're right!"

Chris

Ida: "Oh my, maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room."
Lois: "You may hit the yard."

Bonnie: "This food is so f*cking good Lois."
Lois: "Oh ok...wow."

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 361 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley