Lois: An increase in crime? That can't be right. I haven't noticed anything like that.
Stewie: You're in the house 14 hours a day, what would you notice?

Lois: I can't believe Horace's dead.
Stewie: I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

Lois: Who threw out my sequined top?
Stewie: You're 43, accept it!

Lois: Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay?
Dr. Hartman: One more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.

Lois: Peter, what happened to your voice?
Peter: Oh, you know what happened, you sexy minx. My white blood cells attacked the pathogens and created antibodies and then the pathogens were filtered out by my kidneys into my urine and then expelled from my body, you slut.

Lois: Oh Peter, this voice of yours is really something. I can't get enough of it!
Peter: Yeah, it's been pretty great. Y'know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday.

Lois: Oh my god, that was amazing. I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom.
Peter: Yeah, that was incredible. It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

Lois: Peter, what happened to your voice? It's so deep!
Peter: I think I'm sick.
Lois: Well, you don't sound like yourself. In fact, you sound kinda hot!
Peter: I just threw up two chicken gyros out the side of my nose, they're on your side of the bed.
Lois: Ohhhh...say that again!

Lois: It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business deal in a swamp!
Peter: To me, it just proves that we're truly meant to be together.
Lois: I love you, Peter.
Peter: I love you too, Lois. [beat] By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute because our phone bill was $7,000.

Lois: Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?
Peter: No, Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me any more!

Cashier: This is a very nice set, you must be a phone whore.
Lois: You bet your sweet ass I am!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.