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(Homer celebrates his new job, while at Moe's.)
Homer: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe.
(Homer spreads some money on the bar.)
Moe: Huh?
Homer: I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Moe: Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up.

Eh it was either this or put in a ladies' room.

Patty: I don't need a man, for I have England!
Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Moe: (answers phone) Moe's rat-free tavern. Oh, uh, hey, Marge. Yeah, yeah Homer's here.
(Homer gestures "no")
Moe: Oh, oh you want Homer! Oh, I'm sorry I thought you meant "Himmler." Heinrich Himmler. You know, the guy who invented the "Heimlich Manure?"
Marge: Those are two different people!
Moe: Yeah, well, they're both here and neither one is your husband. This press conference is over. (hangs up)

Moe: You gotta make me shorter, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) What do you mean?
Moe: I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
Dr. Hibbert: What your asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would preform that operation.
(Cut to Dr. Nick about to put the anesthesia mask on Moe)
Dr. Nick: Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
Moe: No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
Dr. Nick: Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
(A shortened Mr. Largo walks in)
Mr. Largo: (screams) I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

(After Homer opens a shipping crate)
Grampa: Moe?! You shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.

Lisa: (seeing what her parents are up to) Tracking software? (gasps) You're spying on Bart!
Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
Moe: (Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement) That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. (Laughs) Soon, you'll be mine.
FBI Agent #1: (observing Moe via spy camera) Keep talking, creepo.
FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

Moe: Pretty much if it moves, you can bet on it.
Homer: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is livin' in Mad Max times.

Selma: What a cheap date.
Moe: I'm not cheap baby. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. There's a big difference.

Sideshow Mel: At least the cup is lined with felt.
Moe: Hey Mr. Positive, shut the hell up.

Why did I advertise my drinks specials in "Scientific American?"

Moe: Listen, Homer: in the back room, I got these super-tough Africanized bees. I saw this ad in a gentleman's magazine for excited African honeys and that's what they sent me. If we could combine them with Lisa's bees, it would make them strong enough to survive any environment.
Homer: But how are we supposed to combine the DNA of two strains of the same species?
Moe: Actually, Homer... (whispers)
Homer: (gasps) You and me?
Moe: No, the bees!
Homer: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant, too. I... have no... inclination.

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 126 in total

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The Simpsons Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it!

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