Moe: Heh, heh. This is the first time I ever watered down my liquor!
Lenny: Moe, why are your eyes darting back and forth like that?

I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment when people's hope dies? I feed on that.

Marge: Any minute now, he'll scamper through that doggy door.
Homer: Any minute now, I'll be the dog she's lookin' for.
Barney, Moe, Lenny, and Carl: Any minute now, you'll be stuck with her brood.
Patty and Selma: Any minute now, this pooch will know she's screwed.
Marge: My hearts tells me to trust him.
Patty and Selma: But your head knows he's a hound.
Homer: I want to do the right thing.
Moe: Come on! With all this high class tail around?
(Hooker Dog smokes a cigarette, coughs badly)
Fleas: Any minute now, our girl will make a brand new start.
Patty and Selma: Yes!
Marge: Any minute now, I won't care that broke my heart.
Marge and Homer: Annnny minnnute nooooow.

(Moe tries stealing a man's watch, but the man sees him.)
Moe: Oh, I wasn't trying to steal your watch. I--I--I was just coming on to you.
Man at Bar: Okay, let's go back to my place.
Moe: Oh, boy.

Moe: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.
Carl: I could really go for some kind of military thing like, uh, Juan Pern. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.
Lenny: Plus his wife was Madonna.

(Kent Brockman reports on the Springfield presidential primary.)
Kent Brockman: With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, our humble city is overrun with candidates, newshounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts, Blitzers and even the occasional voter. (to Moe) Sir, do have a preference?
Moe: Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop.
Kent Brockman: Oh. Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.

(Homer celebrates his new job, while at Moe's.)
Homer: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe.
(Homer spreads some money on the bar.)
Moe: Huh?
Homer: I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Moe: Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up.

Eh it was either this or put in a ladies' room.

Patty: I don't need a man, for I have England!
Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Moe: (answers phone) Moe's rat-free tavern. Oh, uh, hey, Marge. Yeah, yeah Homer's here.
(Homer gestures "no")
Moe: Oh, oh you want Homer! Oh, I'm sorry I thought you meant "Himmler." Heinrich Himmler. You know, the guy who invented the "Heimlich Manure?"
Marge: Those are two different people!
Moe: Yeah, well, they're both here and neither one is your husband. This press conference is over. (hangs up)

Moe: You gotta make me shorter, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) What do you mean?
Moe: I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
Dr. Hibbert: What your asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would preform that operation.
(Cut to Dr. Nick about to put the anesthesia mask on Moe)
Dr. Nick: Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
Moe: No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
Dr. Nick: Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
(A shortened Mr. Largo walks in)
Mr. Largo: (screams) I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

(After Homer opens a shipping crate)
Grampa: Moe?! You shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.

The Simpsons Quotes

Horst: (Sinister) Okay, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware. We Germans aren't all smiles and sunshine.
Mr. Burns: (Sarcastic) Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! (Hiding behind Smithers) Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me!
Horst: Stop it!
Man: Stop, sir.
Mr. Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. Oh no, the Germans are coming after me.
Man: Please stop the "pretending you are scared" game, please.
Horst: Stop it! Stop it!
Mr. Burns: (Pause) No! They're so big and strong!
Man: Stop it.
Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns.
Man: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now.
Mr. Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans--
Horst: Burns, Stop it!

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!