Moe Szyslak Quotes
Moe: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands.
Carl: I could really go for some kind of military thing like, uh, Juan Pern. When he disappeared ya, you stayed disappeared.
Lenny: Plus his wife was Madonna.
- Permalink: Who wants to abolish democracy forever? Show of hands. I could...
(Kent Brockman reports on the Springfield presidential primary.)
Kent Brockman: With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, our humble city is overrun with candidates, newshounds, spin doctors, hacks, flacks, Russerts, Blitzers and even the occasional voter. (to Moe) Sir, do have a preference?
Moe: Yeah, I like girls, fruit loop.
Kent Brockman: Oh. Are you a registered voter?
Moe: I'm a registered something.
- Permalink: With Springfield's primary now first in the nation, our humble c...
(Homer celebrates his new job, while at Moe's.)
Homer: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe.
(Homer spreads some money on the bar.)
Homer: I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Moe: Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up.
- Permalink: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe. Huh? I'm buyi...
Eh it was either this or put in a ladies' room.
- Permalink: Eh it was either this or put in a ladies' room.
Patty: I don't need a man, for I have England!
Moe: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
- Permalink: I don't need a man, for I have England! Yeah, you keep telling...
Moe: (answers phone) Moe's rat-free tavern. Oh, uh, hey, Marge. Yeah, yeah Homer's here.
(Homer gestures "no")
Moe: Oh, oh you want Homer! Oh, I'm sorry I thought you meant "Himmler." Heinrich Himmler. You know, the guy who invented the "Heimlich Manure?"
Marge: Those are two different people!
Moe: Yeah, well, they're both here and neither one is your husband. This press conference is over. (hangs up)
- Permalink: Moe's rat-free tavern. Oh, uh, hey, Marge. Yeah, yeah Homer's he...
Moe: You gotta make me shorter, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) What do you mean?
Moe: I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.
Dr. Hibbert: What your asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would preform that operation.
(Cut to Dr. Nick about to put the anesthesia mask on Moe)
Dr. Nick: Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.
Moe: No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.
Dr. Nick: Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.
(A shortened Mr. Largo walks in)
Mr. Largo: (screams) I look nothing like Julie Newmar!
- Permalink: You gotta make me shorter, Doc. What do you mean? I mean ta...
(After Homer opens a shipping crate)
Grampa: Moe?! You shipped yourself here?
Moe: No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.
- Permalink: Moe?! You shipped yourself here? No, it's how you fly coach on...
Lisa: (seeing what her parents are up to) Tracking software? (gasps) You're spying on Bart!
Marge: Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.
Moe: (Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement) That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. (Laughs) Soon, you'll be mine.
FBI Agent #1: (observing Moe via spy camera) Keep talking, creepo.
FBI Agent #2: Every word buys you a year in the slammer.
- Permalink: Tracking software? You're spying on Bart! Honey, keeping tra...
Moe: Pretty much if it moves, you can bet on it.
Homer: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is livin' in Mad Max times.
- Permalink: Pretty much if it moves, you can bet on it. What about the Det...
Selma: What a cheap date.
Moe: I'm not cheap baby. I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. There's a big difference.
- Permalink: What a cheap date. I'm not cheap baby. I'm embarrassed to be ...
Sideshow Mel: At least the cup is lined with felt.
Moe: Hey Mr. Positive, shut the hell up.
- Permalink: At leas the cup is lined with felt. Hey Mr. Positive, shut the...