Smithers: On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does.
(He imagines Mr. Burns appearing half-naked out of a cake and singing happy birthday to him.)

Mr. Burns: What, how dare you disturb us during nap time!
Lady: We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Comission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.
Mr. Burns: There must be some mistake. Weee... make cookies here. Mr. Burns old fashion good time, extra chewy..
Man: Get the axe!

(During the nuclear meltdown, Mr. Burns has locked Smithers out of the escape pod)
Smithers: For the love of God, sir! There are two seats!
Mr. Burns: I like to put my feet up.

Man: Umm, excuse me. What are you doing?
Mr. Burns: I'm giving you the beating of your life!

Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Mr. Burns: Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.
Marge: Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
(The lawyers confer with each other)
Lawyer: Yes, he would.

Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...

And that's where we came in. Now, without further ado, here's what happened next. But first, I'll daydream about a sport utility vehicle, a crispy chicken sandwich, and a wonderful blue pill!

Guard: It's time for a cavity search.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I haven't cavity in forty years.
Guard: I wasn't talking about your teeth.
Mr. Burns: Nor was I.

Is it a crime to want nice things and then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not.

Carl: Sir, your spare ribs, cooked just the way you like them.
Mr. Burns: Spare ribs eh? I've played around with ten pins a time or two in my life and, to me, the term spare reeks of second best. Give me ten full frames of strike ribs. [to Lenny]: And you, find my doctor and find out why I'd ask for something as insane as strike ribs.

Mr. Burns: The power plant's new annual Fourth of July picnic is this upcoming Saturday.
Homer: Woohoo!
Mr. Burns: I'm afraid you misunderstand. This picnic is for me, you will all be spending your Independence Day slaving away in the hot summer sun with no pay, lotion, or gratitude.

The Simpsons Quotes

(Picking out a Tuxedo for Bart. He doesn't look pleased with his puffy shirt tuxedo.)
Bart: (frowning) Isn't this shirt kinda gay?
Clerk: Last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
Homer: Eww, how'd you check?

Wow, now I see why they call you Miss Hoover. You must have been vacuuming for an hour.

Bart