The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXMr. Burns Quotes
I'll tell you my tale.. by thinking it to myself.
Mr. Burns [narrating]
Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns!
Homer's Brain: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: And this is my basement. (Reveals a traditional unfinished basement, complete with ping-pong table)
Homer: Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms.
Mr. Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
Boy: You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Mr. Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Years Later
Mr. Burns: If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Mr. Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: (thinking) Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a "whiz" to know that you're looking out for "Number One". Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.
Homer: Ooh, which way to the bathroom?
Mr. Burns: Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left.
Look at them all through the darkness I'm bringing, they're not sad at all, they're actually singing.
Mr. Burns: Find the bathroom all right?
Homer: Uuuuh..... yeah!
This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Lets see. It was the best of times, it was the "blurst" of times! You stupid monkey!
Mr. Burns: We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: (thinking) My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (chuckle, wink)
Homer: (thinking) Aaahh! Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Mr. Burns: Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away. While the others are off at the candy machine.
Homer: Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?
Lenny: Okay, but it's the last time!
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing.
