South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralMr. Garrison Quotes
Mr Garrison: Settle down children, I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility I'll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. (Stan raises his hand) Yes Stanley?
Stan: That's okay with us.
Kyle: Yeah!
Craig: Yeah, we dont care.
Cartman: That's fine.
Mr Garrison: (shouting) No it isn't! It makes you very sad!
(When Mr. Garrison takes Mr. Twig to the hospital for his burns.
Mr. Garrison: Well, is he going to be all right doctor?
Doctor: Uh. It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison: I need some help over here! Please help, I think he's got third degree burns!
Doctor: Give the child to me!
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to be alright, doctor?
Doctor: Uh...
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to live?
Doctor: It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison: Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight! Is he going to be OK?
Mr. Garrison: Mr- Mr. Twig, are you OK? Mr- Mr. Twig?
(He lifts up the covers and notices Mr. Twig broken)
Mr. Garrison: (Screams) MR. TWIG IS BROKEN IN HALF!! WHO DID THIS!? YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU BASTARD!!
Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you paying attention!?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well then, Stanley, what did I just say?
Stan: Umyou said that even though Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain Antonio got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: Well ok, I suppose you were paying attention.
Don't lie Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Cartman: But Mr. Garrison, I have to go and sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison: No Eric, you have to come in the Planetarium and look at a bunch of stupid stars.
Ok children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel, so let's behave ourselves.
A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
Mr. Garrison: Now what's wrong with the Planetarium?
Stan: It's boring.
Kyle: Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Mr. Garrison: Well too bad. You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it.
Mr. Garrison: And, so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a police officer. Now, are there any questions? Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrision: Good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Cartman: What are you doing down in a sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison: Oh I was just, uh, hangin' out
Kyle: In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison: Children, do you know how to file a police report?
All: No
Mr. Garrison: Good, see ya in school! (he swims away)
