The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Ned Flanders Quotes
(Using the phone, Ned Flanders seeks some counsel in the middle of the night.)
Ned: Hello, Reverend Lovejoy?
Helen Lovejoy: (Yawns) No. This is Mrs. Lovejoy. (Sighs) Just a minute. (Covers the phone) Honey. Honey, wake up. It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis.
Reverend Lovejoy: (Groans) Probably stepped on a worm.
(After hanging out in Ned Flanders' basement and seeing his "perfect" family get along well together, Homer blows up in anger.)
Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family! Your beer comes from farther away than my beer! You and your son like each other! Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave! I hope you understand.
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
(Homer has one last gulp of beer and grabs a sandwich.)
Homer: One for the road.
(Ned Flanders shows Homer his "rumpus room.")
Homer: (Gasps) Holy moly! It's beautiful.
Ned: (Chuckles) Say, that's right. This your first visit to the Flanders homestead, huh?
Homer: Well, we've only been neighbors, what--(Mumbles and counts on fingers.)--eight years.
(Ned visits with Homer, while Homer mows his lawn.)
Ned: Uh, Sa--Say, Simpson, uh, I--I've got some, uh, time release granules that'll get rid of that crabgrass in just a half a jif.
Homer: Crabgrass? What are you talking about? Where?
Ned: Well, uh, (Starts pointing in various spots.) ooh, there, there, and, uh, there's a big patch over there.
Homer: There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all. Everyone would love it if it had a cute name, like, uh, elf grass.
Todd plays the violin at the school concert
Ned: (Crying) My son, my son!
Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not that bad.
Ned: See anything you like?
Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... (spies something) hello!
Flanders: Even the good book can't help me now!
Homer: Why not?
Flanders: I sold it to you for seven cents!
Ned: I'm talking about your potty-mouth.
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
Ned: Is this all he watches?
Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.
Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?
Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it anddirect them to the Bible.
Ned: Where in the Bible?
Lovejoy: UhPage 900.
Ned: But Rev-- (Lovejoy hangs up)
Lovejoy: Damn Flanders.
Ned: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
Reverend Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and
neighbors when they came to your aid, be they Christian (Ned), Jew (Krusty), or ... miscellaneous (Apu).
Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
Reverend Lovejoy: Aw, that's super.
Principal Skinner: But first, our second prize winner and the recipient of this handsome shoe buffer... Ned Flanders.
Ned: (gasps)
Homer: Oh it's no fair, we'll never have a buffer!
Marge: We have one at home, you never use it.
Homer: Well, I want that one!
