Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Peter: Who braided your hair? Did the Ewoks braid your hair? So they use spears with wooden tips but understand the finer points of cosmetology?
Lois: I know...it's not as good as Empire.

Hey Leia, you got a date to we-killed-thousands-of-people dance tonight?

Oh yea? Well nobody believed that we would make it but I drink and you use sex as a weapon. That seems to me like a successful New England marriage.

I always wanted a brother or a sister. Instead, I got a broster.

Mr. Washee-Washee: I no have your shirt.
Peter: You yes have my shirt!
Peter: Fine, I go. But this no over! I take picture of Ang Lee
Mr . Washee-Washee: Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!
You no come back ever! I don't like you American. And all you American look alike!

I guess we learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.

Lois: Oh my god! I think Chris is having a heart attack!
Peter: We're not supposed to leave the table!

Damn right I do! It's because I make all the money! I'm the big..."Mamu" around here!

It's like putting your penis to sleep in a feather bed.

Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.

You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Google Search!

Displaying quotes 181 - 192 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)