Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: I'm not goin' to family night - my agreeing with Lois was just pure theater. Come on, we're jumpin' off the roof.
Brian: Are you insane? We'll kill ourselves!
Peter: Don't worry, we can fly! I got this pixie dust from a magic fairy - either that or it's speed I got from a transvestite at a diner. [noise of loud sniffing] Agh! It's the speed! It's the speed from the diner!
Brian: Peter, let go of me! Aggh—! [he and Peter belly flop to front porch] Dammit!

Peter: I put our family on the map tonight. No longer will we be just those faceless nobodys who brought the bird flu to Quahog.
Lois: You know, there's something seriously wrong with the man who always puts his friends over his family.
Brian: Come on, Lois, I think you're overreacting. What's so wrong about a guy hanging out with his buddies?
Lois: Buddies? You're one of his buddies?
Brian: Yeah, and you know why? 'Cause I don't try to tell what he can and can't do.
Lois: Oh, please, Brian. You're just two people living in the same house. If you didn't, you'd never hang out with each other in a million years. He owns you. You're his property.

Lois: How could you do this? You have a family!
Peter: For once, could you visit me in jail and not criticize me?

Peter: I gotta take a bath. [Billy is watching him]
Billy: Go on then. We're both men.
Peter: Well.... alright I guess.
Billy: There you go... [Peter gets naked and Billy starts laughing] ...look at that? What is th... WOAH Solar eclipse blocking the sun, do not look directly at it. [laughs again]
Peter: What... what, what, what the hell... what are you doing?
Billy: I'm just making a comment... ummm... need to know something. Do you hear the word "Morbidly" a lot?

Billy: Don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?
Peter: Yes.
Billy: Where... where is it?
Peter: It's in there.
Billy: Are you sure, so it's like all snuffled up in there is it?
Peter: Oh, the hell with this... Lois, get the ruler. We're measuring again, and this time, I decide where the base is.

"Hey Lois, that not-Stewie kid fell over."

"I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups..."

Peter: "I'M Back Bush?"
Quagmire: "This can't be a surprise to you, Peter."
Peter: "Yea, I knew, I just didn't know you knew!"

"I'm not afraid to stand up to friends. Just ask Spartacus!"

"You don't now how smooth Quagmire is...he's like a vagician!"

Peter: "And tell the African-American elevator employee that he can stop wearing gloves."
Carter: "Why don't you just tell him that he can sleep with my wife too!"

"Yes, the penis one."

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley