Peter: Hey Stewie. I see your bum.
Stewie: Well take a good look, fat man. And while you're at it, take pictures so I have something to bring with me to court, you wretched pervert

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner

Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talkin' to 'em

Okay, okay, how many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw feces at each other!

This comic sucks!. He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it

Peter: At least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street who's getting a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!
Peter: Aw man, even Della Reese is getting a boat

Ok, here's the plan. I'll be Charlie and you can all be be my angels! Except you. You be Bosley

Gloria: Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harrasssment.
Peter: Sarah, Sarah? I don't--oh, is she the one we video taped taking a dump?

Peter: What day is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter: No Lois, I'm late, late. Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby.
Peter: Well I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic. I thought you'd be happy

What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois

Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?

Peter: Look I've had a good life and you can always be proud of your father in all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.