Peter: You don't remember what it's like to be my age!
Lois: I'm two years younger then you!

Peter: Woah! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must have been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds, but, you know, I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?

Antonio: The painting. I must have it for my studio in Soho. I'll give you five thousand dollars. What do you say?
Peter: I say, "I love you, ya freakin' son of mine. I got five thousand bucks for that painting you gave me."
Chris: But dad, I painted that just for you.
Peter: Don't feel bad, Chris, I didn't even want it

Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!

I know, you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time now and I'm the man

Lois, you've left me no choice but to beat you the only way I know how. By killing you!...in the race for schoolboard president

Well, a lot of nasty things have been said during this campaign. But pictures are better than words because some words are big and hard to understand

Peter: Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire. ... Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?

Peter [at the debate]: Well, I-I have always cared deeply about young people. As a rich college bound student I once joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. (crowd cheers)
Lois: Peter, that wasn't you. That was Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! You watched that last night... (crowd boos)

When I'm done, our students will be so smart, they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Umm... you can't eat a-
Peter: Wanna split it?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!