Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Dottie: Would you like a beer?
Peter: Uh, sure. What have you got?
Dottie: I've got Busch. Oh, and Busch Light

Oh my God. She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?
Peter: Oh thanks, the last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...oh you guys are asses!

Peter: Ahh crap, since when did they change the meaning of for to from?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card but it said for Peter on it, so you must have thought it was from you so you didn't uh.... you know it's just easier to call you stupid

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Peter: What the hell did you do?
Brian: Me? Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk

Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Peter: Can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that!
Peter: Fine, I'll kill your mother. When did Christmas have to get so complicated?

That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious, the sailor. Then again, he was never meant to be funny

Displaying quotes 595 - 603 of 834 in total