Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Jeez Lois, I just spent all morning on a boat with my friends drinking beers, telling jokes, and screwin' around. How 'bout a little me time?

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.... Your wife's hot
Peter: Alright that's it

Peter: I know you cant understand what I'm going through, Lois. I mean all the stuff that makes you happy, you know, like cooking and cleaning - it's alright here in the house just waiting for you. You are one lucky...
Brian: Uh, uh stop. Now

[Stewie stumbles up to Lois...]
Stewie: Hello mother, care to partake in your oh so exhilarating games of Peek-A-Boo?
Lois: Oh my god, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not, what, oh him? Oh yeah, he's a real light weight

Brian: Something troubling you Peter?
Peter: Oh no, nothing. Just all of my friends are eye-humping my wife.
Brian: Well if I were you, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again I'm the jealous type

I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record

Mr. Tumnis: Welcome to Narnia. I'm Mr. Tumnis.
Peter: Hey give me back my sock you goat bastard!

Patriot: Peter.
Peter: Hey you're the Pawtucket Patriot.
Patriot: Verily. Come hither and give heed.
Peter: Woah woah woah. I don't swing that way pal. Look I've got a date with my female wife. I just came down to get some beers.
Patriot: Why spend time with your wife? If you build a bar in this basement and stuff it with plenty of Pawtucket Patriots, your friends will come down here for a beer as well.
Peter: Build a bar! That's a great idea. Wait one last question! If I walk through you does that mean like..we've done it?
Patriot: Gee what's with you and the gay jokes?

Peter [while riding an elephant]: Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
Peter: Hey stinky. Have we got big plans for you.
Stewie: Plans? What the devil are you talking about?

Peter: Meg, you're home late.
Meg: I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading.
Peter: Well, don't keep me in suspense. How'd you do?
Meg: I'll give you a hint. I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked! Sucked!
Peter: Yay! Oh, I mean, sorry, honey

Meg: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

Displaying quotes 805 - 816 of 837 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

"That's cray cray in a good way, right there."

Cleveland Brown
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