This comic sucks!. He couldn't make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off and he was making me do it

Peter: At least I'll be the fattest guy on Spooner Street who's getting a boat.
Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! I'm getting a boat!
Peter: Aw man, even Della Reese is getting a boat

Ok, here's the plan. I'll be Charlie and you can all be be my angels! Except you. You be Bosley

Gloria: Mr. Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett. She's suing you and the company for sexual harrasssment.
Peter: Sarah, Sarah? I don't--oh, is she the one we video taped taking a dump?

Peter: What day is it?
Lois: Thursday.
Peter: Oh my God! Oh my God! I'm late!
Lois: If you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter: No Lois, I'm late, late. Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois: Are you insane? You can't have a baby.
Peter: Well I don't have a lot of options. I'm Catholic. I thought you'd be happy

What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois

Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?

Peter: Look I've had a good life and you can always be proud of your father in all of his accomplishments.
Meg: What accomplishments?
Peter: Go to your room

Peter: Woah, woah, woah! Is this the price of my bill or my phone number?
Nurse: Your phone number

Death: You gotta kill the kids from Dawson's Creek
Peter: I knew it! As soon as that show came on the air I said, "I'm gonna be the one who has to kill 'em."
Lois: It's true, he really said that

Peter: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed me by your HMO.
Peter: Just because my doctor was hittin' on me, doesn't mean you have to call him names

Lois: Peter, who cares how much it is? You've just got the most important bill of all. A clean bill of health.
Peter: Jeez, Lois. How long have you been waiting to crack out that gem?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!