Peter: Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?
Lois: Peter we discussed this, I'm running for school board. You never listen to me.
Peter: Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Cleveland, hey Quagmire. ... Hey, Lois, what's with the sign?

Peter [at the debate]: Well, I-I have always cared deeply about young people. As a rich college bound student I once joined some underprivileged youths in saving a community center from being converted into a shopping mall. (crowd cheers)
Lois: Peter, that wasn't you. That was Adolfo "Shabba-Doo" in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo! You watched that last night... (crowd boos)

When I'm done, our students will be so smart, they'll be able to program their VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself

Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
Calahan: Umm... you can't eat a-
Peter: Wanna split it?

Chris: Are you sure this'll work?
Peter: Chris, this is just another one of your crazy schemes.
Chris: But this whole thing was your idea.
Peter: You'll find out.
Chris: Dad, you're not makin' any sense.
Peter: You just leave that to me

Lois, anyone who wouldn't pretend their own son is dyin' to get the Gumble's back on TV is a racist. There. I said it

Peter: I'll handle it Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah

Peter: When did God ever say he didn't want someone else being worshipped like him?
Lois: It's one of the Ten Commandments.
Peter: Oh, come on Lois, those were written like 200 years ago. Times have changed

Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague!
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get old

Peter: I want to have the kind of father and son relationship that the Gumbels have.
Lois: Peter, the Gumbels are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice Lois, just because they're black we can't learn anything from 'em?

Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: The first born son.
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife.
Peter: Chris

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.