Favorite Ron Swanson Quotes
On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.
Leslie: If the world was ending tomorrow I'd want to be with him.
Ron: Well that's significant the problem is the world's not ending tomorrow.
I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating, because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls.
Ron: Is this-is this not rap?
Leslie: Come on.
Phil: Were you aware that all the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers?
Ron: Would I have stayed if I knew that?
Phil: I don't know. Would you have?
Ron: Would you have?
Phil: No. I wouldn't have. Did you hear Leslie make any promises?
Ron: What constitutes a promise?
Phil: A quid pro quo.
Ron: Oh. Do you know Latin?
Phil: OK. Thank you, Ron.
Ron: Are we done?
All of you be quiet. Andy, she's mad because you said "awesome sauce" instead of "I love you too." April, he loves you. Stop being a child. Tom, you're clearly at fault here. Blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching Lil Sebastian. So everyone apologize to everyone else.
The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
Leslie: So everybody gather around. Let's grab hands.
Ron: I don't hold hands.
Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
This is my basketball court. I don't want to see any double dribbles. I don't want to see any three second violations.
You are an unstoppable good idea machine!
