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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.

Alan: Hello Rose, I can't believe you have the guts to show up here.
Rose: I can't believe that you have the guts to still live here.

Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.

He said in the whole world I'm the only one that can move him.

Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.

Rose: I am getting married next Sunday and I just wanted to let you know before you hear it somewhere else.
Charlie: Where else would I hear it? The society page of the Crazy Bitch Gazette?

Alan: It's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute, and all of the sudden you show up at the front door?
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Rose: I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

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