Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.

Alan: Hello Rose, I can't believe you have the guts to show up here.
Rose: I can't believe that you have the guts to still live here.

Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.

He said in the whole world I'm the only one that can move him.

Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.

Rose: I am getting married next Sunday and I just wanted to let you know before you hear it somewhere else.
Charlie: Where else would I hear it? The society page of the Crazy Bitch Gazette?

Alan: It's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute, and all of the sudden you show up at the front door?
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Rose: I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

Charlie: Rose, I thought you were in England.
Rose: I was asked to leave.

Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.

Charlie: London certainly agrees with you, Rose. You look beautiful.
Rose: I just can't believe you're here.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I wanted you to know, I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, I miss you.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, I miss you, too.
Charlie: Are you seeing anybody?
Rose: Actually, I am seeing someone, but I'm not really sure where it's going yet.
Charlie: To be honest, there is one lady I've been dating. She's actually my own age!
Rose: No!
Charlie: Yeah, but my therapist says she's not good for me.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 38 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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