...We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm, but we don't match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet

Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We're friends who slept together once, and then one friend never called the other friend, but luckily the other friend forgave him.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don't want a grilled cheese sandwhich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket