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Family-guy

Chris: Why is everybody acting weird?
Lois: Chris, honey, we know what you did. And I have to say, honestly, I don't approve.
Chris: What I did? Oh, that I lied about my age to get into Indian bingo?
Peter: Uh, no.
Chris: That I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter: Close, but still no.
Stewie: How is that close?

Stewie: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: What?
Brian: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did

Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat
Chris: I want a new hat
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

Stewie: UGH!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago. Now you're just on vacation

Policeman: You were going sixty-five fella, that's ten miles over the... Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: We met on the internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Brian: Officer, you ever hear of that super-industrial adhesive?
[The policeman turns to show another policeman stuck on his back]
Second Policeman: Actually, yes, we have

Brian: The good news is the same company makes a solvent that'll get us unstuck. The bad news is it takes two weeks for delivery.
Stewie: You're telling me that we're stuck like this for a bloody fortnight?
Brian: You can not tell Lois about this.
Stewie: Oh, and what if I do?
Brian: I'll show her those pictures of you wearing her wedding dress.
Stewie: You said there was no film in that camera!

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie: So Olivia... beautiful day.
Olivia: You're not gonna fart again are you?
Stewie: Well I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch

Stewie: Ah-hah! So they do make bigger diapers. That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there: lazy, slothful, porcelain lay-about, feeding on other people's doo doos while contributing nothing of its own to society. You get a job!

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