Favorite Ted Crisp Quotes
Lem: I'm so weak. How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
Ted: Oh, at least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
Lem: No, I did not. But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab
Veronica: It's not a monster, it's a cyborg that can kill without remorse
Ted: I was talking about Phil, what were you talking about?
Veronica: I was also talking about Phil... it's classified... but it's going to be a fantastic new tool if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children
Veronica: Children... so adorable. In a way, they're like people.
Ted: Yes, that's why there's a taboo about eating them.
Jerome [tasting meat made in lab]: It tastes familiar.
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No.
Linda: Chicken? We'll take chicken.
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?
Linda: You know, my cousin uses the wheelchair you guys invented, the ones that climb stairs.
Ted: You know, it was my idea to give them brakes. You should have seen those suckers barreling downstairs
My father and I hardly speak. We are like oil and... what's that thing that's always disappointing oil? Oh, yeah, it's me
Linda: You love rules. You should marry a rule and have little rule children, then build a house made of rules.
Ted: You mean a house made of my own children?
Linda: That's between you and your conscience
Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hmm? No, your butt is in my staring place. So technically, it's staring at me.
Linda: Sorry. It's from a small town. It's never seen a big businessman like you before.
Ted: Well tell it to act more professional. It's making a spectacle of itself
Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
Linda: I can't believe the company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you want to scream or put your fist through a wall or rub your junk on the CEO's chair?
Ted: Yes, yes, and I only use my junk for good, not evil. With great junk comes great responsibility
Ted: You stole a baby?
Linda: Only for a few seconds. Turns out, just because you write your name on something doesn't mean you get to keep it.
Ted: Yeah, I think babies have to be notarized
Ted: Wait. You don't think competing all-out against a girl who's disabled is wrong?
Veronica: Wrong? How should I know what's wrong? I'm not some Greek philosopher. What does Rose think?
Ted: She's no help. I taught her her everyone should be treated equally.
Veronica: Well, then treat everyone equally.
Ted: No, you're not supposed to really do that. You're just supposed to teach it.
Veronica: Ted, you're a competitor. You want to win. You just need to hear it's okay.
Ted: No I don't. But it is, right?
