Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
Walden: Well, I can't give you hope, but I can give you my American Express black card.
Alan: Hope is for losers.

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?
Alan: Just going down memory lane. This is a photo book Lyndsey gave me, oh look, here we are at the Santa Monica pier, "Oh Alan, I am having such a great time, I know it looks like I am only eating cotton candy, but really, I am just waiting for someone better to come along, so I can just dump your sorry ass"

Alan: What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend.
Jake: It is good to be back.

Walden: I hope you guys know that this is not your home.

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.

Bridget: Seems like we both $1,000 to sleep with people we already know. 

Walden: Wait. You paid $1,000? I paid $2,000.

Bridget: Seems like you got screwed more than once today.

Walden: I am a failure
.
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
.
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.

You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 50 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it