Walden: So how old is this guy..?
Alan: Let me put it this way, he was one of the original investors in Apple, the fruit.

Alan: I appreciate the pep talk, but I have lost all hope.
Walden: Well, I can't give you hope, but I can give you my American Express black card.
Alan: Hope is for losers.

Walden: Hey, what are you doing..?
Alan: Just going down memory lane. This is a photo book Lyndsey gave me, oh look, here we are at the Santa Monica pier, "Oh Alan, I am having such a great time, I know it looks like I am only eating cotton candy, but really, I am just waiting for someone better to come along, so I can just dump your sorry ass"

Alan: What a nice surprise to have you home for the weekend.
Jake: It is good to be back.

Walden: I hope you guys know that this is not your home.

Walden: This house is a mess. I think I should just cut my losses and sell it.

Alan: Don't even joke like that.

Berta: By the way, in case I forget, I may be a little late on Monday.
Walden: No problem, when should I expect you?
Berta: Wednesday.

Bridget: Seems like we both $1,000 to sleep with people we already know. 

Walden: Wait. You paid $1,000? I paid $2,000.

Bridget: Seems like you got screwed more than once today.

Walden: I am a failure
.
Lyndsey: No, you are not, but you looked like one in college... I would not have slept with you, and I slept with everyone.

Alan: It is time for dinner, we are eating gnocchi, Jake is cooking things he can spell
.
Walden: What's for dessert? Cake?

Alan: Pie.

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.

You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog