Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Whitney: Wow, that is a lot of zeros. So are you really a genius and philanthropist?
Walden: Yes, I also fight crime.

Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Berta: You can just keep staring at your laptop all day.
Walden: I made a billion dollars doing this.
Berta: Well, carry on.

Walden: I am not dating your mom again.
Ava: I know that, she is in the shower with Peter.

Now she won't return my calls, emails or texts. It is like she is ignoring across the whole digital spectrum. It is like she is Amish.

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.

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