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Two-and-a-half-men

Now she won't return my calls, emails or texts. It is like she is ignoring across the whole digital spectrum. It is like she is Amish.

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.

Walden: How are you feeling?
Alan: Fantastic, I am on a morphine drip, everyone should have a morphine drip, and there will be no more drips.

Alan: Here you go.
Walden: I gotta ask, what's with the tea? You make it for me, you make it for Lyndsey
Alan: I got a little philosophy, when someone is nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Walden: Without spending any money
Alan: You know me so well.

Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.

Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.

Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Jake: IHOOP.

Billy: You look good without the beard.
Walden: You look good without the crack pipe.

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.

Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.

A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 50 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

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