Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Walden: You will be surprised what happens to a guy when money is tight.
Alan: Please, I have been so desperate, I have climbed into fountains at night and stolen the wishes of little children.
Walden: So you get it.

How long do you think you can keep living here rent-free...?

If I were a struggling, broke-ass guy, what will my name be...? Keep in mind, Alan Harper is already taken.

Walden: I love you Berta.
Berta: You are one sentimental little taco.

Alan: The only thing I got from the truck driver was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.
Walden: I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of once for a change, but look who I am talking to.

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.

Whitney: Wow, that is a lot of zeros. So are you really a genius and philanthropist?
Walden: Yes, I also fight crime.

Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Berta: You can just keep staring at your laptop all day.
Walden: I made a billion dollars doing this.
Berta: Well, carry on.

Walden: I am not dating your mom again.
Ava: I know that, she is in the shower with Peter.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 50 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.