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Two-and-a-half-men

Walden: All this is making uncomfortable, I feel puking.
Alan: Well, you are in the rig.

My penis is like Santa Claus, I don't have to see it, I just need to believe it exists.

You are supposed to act like a rich guy, not a gay Bruce Wayne.

Walden: You will be surprised what happens to a guy when money is tight.
Alan: Please, I have been so desperate, I have climbed into fountains at night and stolen the wishes of little children.
Walden: So you get it.

How long do you think you can keep living here rent-free...?

If I were a struggling, broke-ass guy, what will my name be...? Keep in mind, Alan Harper is already taken.

Walden: I love you Berta.
Berta: You are one sentimental little taco.

Alan: The only thing I got from the truck driver was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.
Walden: I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of once for a change, but look who I am talking to.

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.

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