I fell asleep at a Raymour and Flanigan last week and a black family tried to buy me.


Jack: Bottled water?
Hank: I'm not fancy like that, Jack If I get thirsty, I'll just drink the water from lunch I saved in my cheek.

I once pants-ed Deepak Chopra while Craig T. Nelson taped it. I don't meditate.


Jack: Meditation is a waste of time, time you could've spent reading that book he gave you on business lunches: Buffet...on Buffets.

Meditation is a waste of time, like learning French or kissing after sex.


As the doctor said to me after my Hepatitis test, 'you got it, sweetheart!'


I don't need any more bad luck. Do you know how many mirrors I've smashed because I thought it was a blonde woman mocking me?


Liz: Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her because her lines didn't have any K sounds, which she thinks is the funniest sound
Pete: Oh my God. My cousin Karl crashed his car. And now he is in a coma at the Kendall Clinic.

Eyes down here, boys. I have breasts, you know?

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