Better Off Ted

Better Off Ted Quotes (Page 7)

Season 2 Episode 4: "It's Nothing Business, It's Just Personal"

Veronica: This weekend, Mordor and I am going scuba diving. Last weekend we raced cars in the desert and ate a rattlesnake... and a goat that wandered into our camp, and then a light salad.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: It turns out developing cheese that never spoils is harder than we thought. Right now, it's more of a cheddar-colored fabric that does spoil.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 3: "Battle of the Bulbs"

Phil: You're so desperate to score points with the company, you're trying to hire this hot, sexy woman, even though you know it would destroy Lem. Yes, I think you're sexy. Yes, I don't have a lot of grown-up drinks, and yes, I wish I had a third yes. And, yes, I don't.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: If you join the Veridian team, you would have access to unmatched scientific resources, from hydro-perlation nongravitational calibrations, to executives who only know the name of one cool thing but will stay out of your way.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Now get in there and run that meeting like a shark driving an assault vehicle through a herd of seals wearing chum pants.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: Linda, just listen to yourself. Those are just facts, and facts are just opinions, and opinions can be wrong.
 • Rating: 4.9 / 5.0

Rose: If you think about it, it's not hard to figure out what people want, especially if they tell you over and over about it again.
Ted: We're not getting a motorcycle with a sidecar. It's just not practical.
Rose: We'll see.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lem: Your breakthroughs in weapons technology have made warfare exponentially more horrifying.
Dr. Bhamba: Well... I don't know about that. It takes a village to kill a village.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lem: She's always reminding me that while she's unlocking the secrets of the universe, I'm trying to design a toaster that can handle a pizza bagel.
Dr. Bhamba: That would be a boon to both Jews and Italians.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Bhamba: Why are you looking up my mother's Facebook page?
Lem: I'm going to find her, seduce her, and make sensitive yet vigorous love to her.
Dr. Bhamba: Well, that's the one thing we haven't tried to get her out of her coma.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: Okay! Everybody's here.
Linda: Okay! Everybody's here.
Ted: I know you're co-leading this, but that doesn't mean just repeating what I say.
Linda: Maybe you're repeating what I say just before I get a chance to say it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away--even when she so she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Veronica: I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stella: What will people do without a helmet that feeds them cheeseburgers or a remote control for their underpants?
Lem: We're not making a cheeseburger helmet. They pulled the plug after it fed one of the test subjects to death.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lem: Mommy?
Stella: Hello, sweetheart. How was your day at the crap factory?
Lem: You know, sometimes I feel that you judge what I do.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: I'm saying, can't we just let this one go? It wouldn't be the first time we didn't hire a brilliant scientist because someone at the company would be upset. Remember Bob Hitler?
Veronica: No, I forgot the scientist named Hitler. Okay, fine, we won't go after Lem's mom. But this would be easier to sell upstairs if someone named Clifton had bombed the hell out of London.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: And I can't get enough of the company's love.
Linda: Maybe you and the company should spend a weekend in wine country together, share a couple of bottles one evening, maybe convince it not to wear panties to dinner. [walks away]
Veronica: You should jump on that, Ted, before the crazy outweighs the hot.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: Gentlemen, when you fight like that, manhood weeps.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 2: "The Lawyer, The Lemur and the Little Listener"

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that's love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don't.
 • Rating: 4.6 / 5.0

Veronica: God, I love Asia. There's no regulation on anything. Did you know companies there can just shoot a man in the street? I heard that at a conference about reasons to move your business to Asia.
Linda: I know. They make it crazy hard to kill anyone here. I want my country back.
 • Rating: Unrated

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