Phil: I suppose we could use the 20 terahertz oscillator.
Lem: But doesn't that burn through flesh?
Phil: Not always.
Lem: How about we use the 10 terahertz oscillator?
Phil: Ten? Yeah, why don't we just hop on a winged unicorn and fly off to magic land?

The company finally realized the P.A. system in this building needs to be fixed. It makes everything sound like that janitor that got trapped inside the wall. "Let me out. I'm not a ghost!" We do have a lot of fun here.

Veronica

I don't want to insult the guy. If only there were a nice way to say, "You're killing me, you energy-sucking time gobbler."

Every time I walk by the guy, he sucks me into a 15-minute conversation. You do that eight times a day, that adds up to... well, time I could be working on my math skills.

Phil: Okay, the bacteria are going for the bait. Insert the nano-grenade.
Lem: Did it explode?
Phil: Oh, my God. There's flagella everywhere. What have we done?

Now let's go upstairs and get back to work, for tonight, we dine in Hell!

Veronica

Ted: So the company backed down on the new hours?
Veronica: Mm-hmm.
Ted: I/we did it, because I/we stood up for what was right. I/we am proud of me/us.
Veronica: I/me, too, Ted. Together, we're like Gandhi. I'm skinny, and you're tan.

Perry: But Jenkins was still a great man, right? I mean, you were with him when he helped that killer whale find its way home.
Phil: I had not heard that one. Was that an embellishment of the time I helped that large woman with the hole in the top of her head find her way back to her apartment?
Lem: Actually, I stole that story from Free Willy.
Phil: Oh.

Lem, I talked to the chef. It turns out that broasting is a combination of, and I quoting, "roasting and get the hell out of my kitchen." He wouldn't tell me the proportions.

Phil

Ted: I need to sabotage the sleep system and make sure it's not finished in time for Relaxacon.
Linda: Cool. That's not sex, but it beats getting knocked to the floor so hard you want to go back to Wisconsin and get your master's in Cheese Sciences.
Ted: Yes, it does.

Lem: It's Broasting Day in the cafeteria. It'll give us another chance to figure out what broasting is.
Phil: Well, I do want to get to the bottom of that. Okay, we'll have lunch. I just hope "broasting" is not a typo, like that butter crotch pudding.

If you want to get the company off this, you have to show them that this new pace will cost them money. Because the company loves its money. If they could, they'd go to strip clubs and throw naked women at money.

Veronica
Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 357 in total

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Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie

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