Lem: Gordon Jenkins was a good man. But he was also a complex man. For example, he liked coffee, but he did not like having coffee thrown at him. In fact, Jenkins hated being burned by any hot liquid. In that way, he was like many of us, sensitive to heat. What a character. Goodbye, Jenkins. I hope you're throwing coffee at God right now.
Veronica: Nice work, Lem. Goosebumps.
Lem: Really?
Veronica: Sure. Why not?

I love sugar cookies. When I was a kid, my mom used to make 'em. But instead of sugar, she'd use brandy. And instead of milk, she dipped them in brandy.

Phil

Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.

Veronica

Veronica: I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.

Ted: Morale does seem pretty low.
Linda: It's like that time they paid our holiday bonuses in frozen food.
Ted: Potpie Christmas. It did not help that they made them with real reindeer.

Lem: We did it, Ted. We now have a working prototype for the Veridian Sleep System.
Phil: All the hard work, late nights and no rest have paid off. We've cured sleeplessness and demonstrated irony.

Veronica: Children, they have so many uses. They're like adorable Swiss Army knives.
Ted: Although they can't open wine worth a damn.

Boy, bringing things back from the dead never goes smoothly.

Phil

That isn't harassment. Harassment is supposed to be sexy. You're not even doing it right.

Keith

Ted: You're one of the best executives ever. You're better than Steve Jobs, Lee Iacocca, or...
Veronica: Field Marshal Rommel?
Ted: Okay.
Veronica: He was a brilliant tactician who looked magnificent in jodhpurs.
Ted: Now I'm picturing you in jodhpurs.
Veronica: So am I, and I'll bet Rommel didn't wear a thong underneath his.

Phil: This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin parts and chicken skin.
Lem: Yeah. It was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken.

Veronica: Chu, chu, chu, chu.
Ted: What are you doing?
Veronica: That's the sound of me deflecting the whiny bitching with my happiness shield.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 357 in total

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things

Ted

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie

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