Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia--male, female, or animal--and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

Linda: Well, in my experience, scaring a man away is pretty easy. Basically, you're gonna want to put three words into heavy rotation--babies, future, and commitment.
Veronica: Back off! I need my space! Wow, those words are powerful.

Linda: So not being controlling lasted for about one second?
Ted: I'm sorry. The naggity-nag-nag bitchy-bitch is right. Anything anyone wants to say is fine with me.
Linda: You heard the corporate chimp. Start making suggestions for meals-ready-to-eat before his head goes back up his butt.

Debbie: Could you press 10 for me, you rat-face Nazi?
Phil: Your breasts should be on display at the Swiss Museum of Miniatures. You said 10, right?

Veronica: So I let him kiss me.
Linda: Oh, my God!
Veronica: But then I still felt guilty, so I let him feel me up.
Linda: Oh, my...
Veronica: I think I might need new breasts. These are covered in sadness.
Ted: Wow. This is like the most depressing Penthouse letter ever.

Phil: I'm terrible at insults. As a child, I was beaten up constantly. The best comeback I ever came up with was, "You're right. I'll work on that."
Lem: I can help you, you sad jar of hobo urine.
Phil: Pow! I've been Lem-basted.

Phil: We really should have been reading these memos.
Lem: Damn! We didn't have to work on Thanksgiving!
Phil: And look! Like I suspected, we were supposed to be wearing lead aprons when we were working on that genital x-ray project.

Ted, a little chaos can be a good thing. My grandma met my grandma when a tornado blew her into his barn. He pulled the rake out of her chest and proposed on the spot.


Veronica: Here, I brought you a cake. And a jar of herring. Maybe you can wait until I leave before you smear the cake with it.
Walter: I'm not Dutch. And the Dutch don't smear herring on half the things you say they day.

And so this new line of meals-ready-to eat gives the soldier in the field a portable meal with all the home-cooked flavor of something Mom used to chemically dehydrate and vacuum pack.


Janet: The company doesn't make mistakes.
Ted: What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?
Janet: The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday--the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
Ted: And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?
Janet: That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.
Ted: Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.

Veronica: I do hate this feeling. I hate it like I hate...
Linda: Don't tell me. The Dutch.
Veronica: I don't hate the Dutch. I love the Dutch. That's why I hold them to a higher standard.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie