Better Off Ted

Better Off Ted Quotes (Page 6)

Season 2 Episode 5: "The Great Repression"

Phil: I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phil: Where'd they take him, you son of a bitch!? I mean, my immediate superior.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
Ted: Veronica, I work full-time and I have a eight-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a onesome.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: Relax, Sheila. Don't fight it.
Ted: "Don't fight it?"
Linda: Hindsight is 20-20, Mr. "I never accidentally fondled anyone."
Ted: I don't think the words "don't fight it" have ever been used when someone isn't being sexually harassed.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: That doesn't sound so sexual. It's just a hug that drifted... booberily.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: We've having a problem with some of those people who live in the cubicles.
Ted: Look, they don't live in the... You know what? I'm not going to explain this to you again.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Ted: What do you need, Veronica?
Veronica: We have a problem. It's about sexual... (looks at Rose) It's about sexual H-A-R-assment.
Ted: Ummm, well, I appreciate you not letting my daughter here the "har" part of that. But why don't we discuss it later?
Rose: By the way, I'm eight. I know how to spell.
Veronica: Never show your hand, sweetie. Always let the enemy underestimate you. Then when their guard's down, smash them with a phone.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica [to Rose]: Muss up his hair, it's the source of all his power.
Ted: Oh, no! Not the hair!
Veronica: Now smash him with the phone. (they stare) Why will no one in this building ever smash anyone with a phone?
 • Rating: Unrated

Erica: Gosh, Ted, it's like you were poured into that suit.
Ted: And part of me is still hardening.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 4: "It's Nothing Business, It's Just Personal"

Veronica: My God, Ted, you don't tell a man like Mordor to be less passionate. It's like telling Gandhi to be less... whatever he was. Thin.
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: Of course it was an accident. Although, the man was cheating on me, and my subconscious is very protective, and sometimes kind of a douche.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Veronica: God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: Oh, don't be that guy who points fingers. No one likes a pointer. Even in the dog world, they're seen as insufferable.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Linda: What did you say to Mordor?
Ted: I did not tell him to have sex with Veronica while she's sleeping. Why? What did he do?
Linda: I walked into the supply closet, and he was in there with Ashley from Accounting. And they were not looking for supplies. Unless she uses her ya-ha to store office supplies and he uses his yang-doodle to look for things. That's what my mom calls it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ted: This... this is about Veronica. See, she has a very high-pressure job. And she does it with 100% focus.
Mordor: Oh, she's the same in bed. Or when dismembering a goat.
Ted: Right. So you and the other animals have seen it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phil: Wow. Can you imagine how great it would be to just take Veronica out in the middle of the day and have lunch with her?
Lem: You should try to aim higher for your fantasies.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: God, you'd be hard to go out with.
Ted: Hey, I am fantastic to go out with. I'm... I'm thoughtful as a man can be, while still pillaging like a Viking in the bedroom. But I am not getting involved in Veronica's personal life.
Linda: So my boss gets to have all the sex-fun of a relationship, while all the stress of being exhausted trickles down to me? Man, capitalism blows.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: Whenever I have sex, I have to be alert the next day so I don't make mistakes. I have to be alert during sex so I don't make mistakes. Basically, I always have to be alert.
Ted: Is it possible to make mistakes during a sex, for a woman to make mistakes during sex?
 • Rating: Unrated

Veronica: I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life--burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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