Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFavorite Family Guy Quotes
Chris: Dad, how did you get Mom out of the house so we could decorate?
Peter: Well Chris, I constructed a very elaborate fake grocery store.
Lois: You guys shouldn't have done this!
Stewie: Hey, any time you can celebrate the end of someone's periods.
That sounds awfully lonely, like being an NBA player on the road.
Lois
Peter: Dear Cary Elwes, I have been meaning to contact you for some time. I have never been able to figure out if you are famous. You were a big deal in one thing, but you were wearing a mask for most it. Do you consider your career a disappointment, or rather, did you exceed your own expectations? Yours truly, Peter Griffin. P.S. You were in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Did you know that?
Listen, I don't need your suggestions, pal. I've been a big celebrity for a year-and-a-half now.
Jon Hamm
You put a real cougar on Cougar Town! And now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!
Quagmire
Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that phrase? I read it in a book, you monster!
Quagmire
Peter: JJ Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possibly understand.
JJ Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern European town.
Peter: Totally confusing. Do it.
Peter: It's the greatest story ever told, Meg. A story that goes back over 100 years.
Chris: Yay, Star Wars!
Peter: No, Chris. It's the story of Christmas and the Immaculate Conception. You guys were born the dirty way. Now gather around, everybody, and hear the awe-inspiring tale that's caused millions and millions of deaths!
(as Joseph) So I went to see that new Oedipus play last week. Took my mother. Talk about an awkward ride home. Barely got a goodnight kiss.
Peter
(narrating) And so Mary and Joseph began their courtship. But even after several dates, Jospeh couldn't get to first base. Not just because Mary was a virgin, but because baseball would not be invented for 1800 years and no one knew what the hell he was talking about.
Peter
(as Joseph) Come on, this is our seventh date! It's completely natural! Birds do it! Bees do it! Dinosaurs whom we live alongside do it!
Peter
