Magic baby? What does he do? Card tricks? Rabbit in the hat? Will he let someone in the audience punch him in the stomach? I'd like to punch a baby in the stomach.

Carter

• Permalink: Magic baby? What does he do? Card tricks? Rabbit in the hat? Wil...
• Rating: Unrated

Meg: But Dad, I still don't understand that whole Immaculate Conception thing. How can anyone get pregnant without having sex?
Peter: Oh, there's lots of stories of that, Meg. Cleveland's got a cousin who had 8 girlfriends get pregnant, and he says he's not responsible for a single one.

• Permalink: But Dad, I still don't understand that whole Immaculate Concepti...
• Rating: Unrated

Stop making fun of me! I just wanted to listen to you guys having sex, but you were saying mean things about me!

Chris

• Permalink: Stop making fun of me! I just wanted to listen to you guys havin...
• Rating: Unrated

Oh by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my teacher gave you something to sign to get him kicked out.

Stewie

• Permalink: Oh by the way, there's a baby in my preschool with HIV, and my t...
• Rating: Unrated

Look at this, Lois. A week ago we called him stupid, and now he's giving tours of the space shuttle.

Peter

• Permalink: Look at this, Lois. A week ago we called him stupid, and now he'...
• Rating: Unrated

Brian: I think, I think we're launching!
Lois: Oh my god, everyone strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie: No thanks, I prefer to die giving you the finger.
Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

• Permalink: I think, I think we're launching! Oh my god, everyone strap yo...
• Rating: Unrated

Tom Tucker: So the Griffins might be dead, how does that make you feel?
Consuela: Griffin dead? I take. (Picks up house from foundation, drags behind her)

• Permalink: So the Griffins might be dead, how does that make you feel? Gr...
• Rating: Unrated

Okay, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start; then we'll have unlimited lives.

Peter

• Permalink: Okay, try this. Hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right...
• Rating: Unrated

Lois: Remember kids, if it's terrible, at the end we all say "You did it!"
Stewie: I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

• Permalink: Remember kids, if it's terrible, at the end we all say You did i...
• Rating: Unrated

Hey Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of the highway?

Peter

• Permalink: Hey Brian, can you believe I found this blazer on the side of th...
• Rating: Unrated

Hey, can you read that page with all the little paragraphs about dead people? They're hilarious.

Peter

• Permalink: Hey, can you read that page with all the little paragraphs about...
• Rating: Unrated

I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired cliches! You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with those braying hyenas! Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot?!

Stewie

• Permalink: I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a medioc...
• Rating: Unrated