Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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"What if the squirrel has lasers he shoots out of his eyes!"


"The book store closed and is now a Target, but our industry is fine."


"My heartbeat's down to four beats per minute."


"That's cray cray in a good way, right there."

Cleveland Brown

"Brain, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"


"For if I could not forgive, then I would be truly handicapped."

David Chicago

"I tried the online dating thing but there's too much competition out there."


"What if Bono had been too afraid to wear sunglasses…then nobody would know about Africa!"

Peter Griffin

"Quagmire who? That's an excellent question."


"My dad gave me a gun to hide."


"No one ever told me I mattered before."


"You bring home two bands of hippie murderers…"

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 1961 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley