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Family-guy

Man: You renounced your citizenship?
Peter: Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook."

Meg: Chris, you have my back, right?
Chris: I don't know. [lifts up his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne] Yeah.

Meg: He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral!
[cutaway to a graveside service, Peter runs in and throws Meg's dead corpse under another casket]
Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.

Ida: Ok, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen?
Peter: Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away.

Sonja: Giggity.
Quagmire: That's my word.

Teacher at a PTA meeting: So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming.
Cheetah: Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.

Her voice! It's like God sneezing!

Chip

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter: Hey, Lois.
Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?
Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Chris: Why are your nipples poking into me?!
Meg: Sorry! That happens when I'm cold.
Chris: But why are there THREE of them?!
Meg: They're aren't! Two of them are moles.
Chris: Those numbers still don't add up!

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