Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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"I cut your name into my arm so I can always remember you."

Meg

"I used to love Duff when I was younger, but I haven't even had it in like 13 years."

Peter

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

I'm glad we're staying together. Honestly, I don't know what I would do on my own. Like, I literally have no idea where food comes from. Is it that guy? Is he the food man?

Peter

Sir, I heard whimpering. Shall I fetch your crying tuxedo?

Butler

Oh, it's starting! I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.

Stewie

TV Announcer: We now return to Jeremy Piven in The Incredible Hulk.
Jeremy Piven: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Man: I don't like you now.

That's the Riddler. He would make inquiries to set your mind a-jumble.

Cleveland

Did you see that? My dog had a gun.

Peter

Lois: Peter, we gotta go talk to Donna.
Peter: Alright, but you need to cool down first, Lois. Find a way to channel your anger. What I do is throw a shot put into a crowd and make it look like an accident.

Peter: I'm having an affair.
Lois: That's ridiculous.
Peter: It's not ridiculous, it's Cybill Shepherd. She's attainable for a guy like me now.

Donna: Oh Lois, I'm so glad to see Peter and Cleveland back together again.
Lois: Yeah, me too. Now Peter will have something to do besides flushing the toilet to Foghat's "Slow Ride."

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 1961 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Peter: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living! So we all sing Christmas Carols to lull him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something.
Man: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Bob: Well I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humour

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley