Stewie: I've been approaching this far too intelligently. He's an idiot, so this shouldn't be hard at all! Hey Brian, you want to go see Doctor Hartman and get that procedure where you get two weiners?
Brian: Whoa, hell yeah! That way when I watch Black Swan, I can aim one at that Natalie Portman, and aim the other one at -
Stewie: Yes, yes, yes, we all know who the other one was.

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie

Stewie: Because right now, you're about as useless as Black Widow is to the Avengers.
Captain America: So what's your superpower again?
Black Widow: I can kick.
Captain America: Right…so, uh, who else here can kick? Hulk stop being nice.

Chris: Mom, is dad gonna die?
Lois: Well Brian's the one with the brain tumor.

Brian: Winning!
Peter: Haha, remember somebody said that?

Lois: Doctor, do you think the brain tumor could have anything to do with Brian's recent behavior?
Doctor: Hmm, I haven't heard of brains being linked to behavior, but I suppose anything's possible.

Doctor: I did a CAT scan
Peter: On a dog, haha.
Doctor: Haha, we laughed about that too.

Doesn't it make more sense…to kill her?

Peter

Brian: Bazinga!
Peter: Haha, like what the guy scientist says. Brian, say something else from TV!
Brian: Watchu talkin bout Willis!?

A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.

Peter

Peter: You want a beer?
Brian: Peter, it's 11 AM.
Peter: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!

Oh thank god Brian's getting a book published. I thought this was going to be a Meg episode.

Townsperson

Family Guy Quotes

Chris: Mr. Woods. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris, I'm your father, call me "dad".
Chris: Um, okay, dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well, there's a number of ways Chris. Uh, for example, Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier, and he threw a punch social one day, and we both happened to be there, and the next thing you know, we're both in the back room, slam bang. I went bareback, babe.
Chris: Wow, she sounds like a class act.
James Woods: No, not at all Chris. No, not at all.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)