Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter: Hey, Lois.
Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?
Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Chris: Why are your nipples poking into me?!
Meg: Sorry! That happens when I'm cold.
Chris: But why are there THREE of them?!
Meg: They're aren't! Two of them are moles.
Chris: Those numbers still don't add up!

I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

Peter [to Lois]

God, it's good to be old and nude.

Carter

I want Hershey kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

Peter

Pewterschimdt, you imbecile! You think that's funny, wasting fruit? There are people dying in hilarious places!

Barrington

Lois: (while Peter plays harmonica music) I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot. Peter, I'm serious. I ran right over the soft part of the face. I had to run away. I ditched the car and snuck on a passing train. I was so scared, I didn't get off until I was in the south. What'd you do today?
Peter: I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.

Oh my god. It was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!

Peter

How does it feel to be the least-cultured person at a bus station?

Stewie

Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

Stewie

Look, it's not like we've got a lot to live for. I'm just going to end up like Chris, only I'll be smart enough to realize how miserable I am.

Stewie

Apollo: I was booked for three hours by "Archibald Meatpants."
Brian: He's...he's dead.
Apollo: Well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 1919 in total

Family Guy Quotes

"That's cray cray in a good way, right there."

Cleveland Brown

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

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