It's so salty and chunky where you don't want it to be.

Stewie

Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend. Every pot finds a lid, huh?

Peter

So I was wondering why this tampon commerical was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex and The City

Brian

We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took a lot from The Simpsons.

Peter

Stand up is so 20 years ago. Twitter's only three years ago.

Stewie

Brian: You've been hanging out with Tom Cruise?
Stewie: Sure have. We spent the whole day together, and he showed me there are a lot of advantages to being short.
Brian: Yeah? Like what? You're the last one to get wet when it rains?

Stewie: Doesn't it boether you being an adult man who's that short, 'cause the doctor said that's where I'm headed.
Tom Cruise: No way, man. In the middle of the word short is "or". Or gives you a choice, and I choose not to be short.
Stewie: Wow. You need a road map for that one.

Lois: Wow, Doctor Hartman, that's really short. I suppose it's fine if he's going to die at 14. Is there anything there about that?
Dr. Hartman: Well, we learned in medical school that the short ones do go faster, because they smell more farts than the rest of us.

Well, dad, I can tell you from experience, it's only wen you worst fears come true that you get to find out how strong you really are.

Joe

You know, it's times like this where I think if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

Brian

Tom Cruise: Nobody walks away from tiny Tom Cruise.
Stewie: Yeah, except for all three of your wives.

God he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

Brian (referring to George R. R. Martin)

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!