Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family-guy

Just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.

Tom Tucker

Chris: I have an itch!
Meg: I don't care! Dead people don't scratch their balls!

Tim Gunn: Joe, this is Tim Gunn. I agree with your friends.
Joe: I gotta get that guy out of my head.

Alright, listen up in there. Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. We have a lot of dumb cops here.

Police Negotiator

Peter: We're going nowhere! This bar belongs to us! Ice cream truck! [runs off]
Joe: You didn't get any ice cream?
Peter: The ice cream man was handsome and I got nervous!

[walks in with a leather jacket] Hey guys, what's going on? And no one says anything so they hate it.

Stewie

Meg: Alright Chris, where is it? And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Peter: Fine, you caught me. So I borrowed your bra, my boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

All the greatest moments of my life, I've spent right here in this booth. Maggie's first word, Bart jumping that canyon, Mr. Plow, all the greatest moments of my life.

Peter

Sorry, Amanda. By the law of 80's movies, a newly-trasnformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness.

Peter

Coroner: Meg, I'm needed upstairs, so I'll let you finish up. Just put some blush here and here, it makes the eyes look a little less dead and hollow.
Meg: Wow, that really works! Maybe I'll try that on myself!
Coroner: Oh, uh, you have what we call a 'closed casket' face.

That was the start of the dark times. The banks took our bars, our businesses, and then our homes. A change had to be made. A change only one man could make. I am The Windmaker. And I shoot monkeys now.

Peter

Good afternoon. I'd just like to say that before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car. I'm beginning to think everything on that show was just a big joke!

Peter
Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 1887 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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