Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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Hey, Lois! Guess who made 15 baskets at the county fair? Some kid we beat up! What a great day!

Peter

Meg: Dad, sometimes I wonder why you even had a family.
Peter: I don't know...I was dating your mother, I don't like the way condoms feel, next thing you know, I got a mortgage, a kid, and a crappy job at a toy factory.

Meg: In the last election, you voted for Mighty Mouse.
Peter: Time to put the might mouse in the White House.

Joe: I'll take smelling good over walking good any day.
Bonnie: You don't smell good, Joe.
Joe: I'm sorry, I thought I was alone.

Welcome all to James Woods High's annual college fair, where each year, our seniors gather to decide where they will go in the fall to get HPV.

Principal Shepherd

I'm gonna see which lobster I think deserves to die.

Chris

I tucked it between my legs as a joke and then it got stuck.

Chris

All I know about sex is from internet porn, so I'm very excited to try buffering.

Chris

Peter: Let me help you! I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's g-spot!
Lois: No, he didn't!
Peter: I didn't think she was home.

Lesbians have regular carpets, too, you pervs.

Peter

Wow, Chicago--the San Francisco treat.

Peter

I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed.

Peter
Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 1961 in total

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)