Aw, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing -- that's great.


You got a good body man, why do you hide it under your robe?


Did you hear about your ex-husband yet? He's had a procedure.


Quagmire: Where do you get off?!
Stewie: Pretty much everywhere I hear. Fat man's right -- they're making this easy.

Don't think of it as 20 years -- think of it as two 10 year olds, you sick freak.


You know I'm carrying three handguns and the metal detectors picked up nothing?


My misguided carnal instincts are the results of being raised by a sexual deviant.


Doctor: How do you feel?
Quagmire's Mom: Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I can push him out again?

Stewie: Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs.
Brian: Nope.
Stewie: Oh, well you'll tell me if I get it right?

Does this mean you're going to move to Europe to make movies?


I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.


Random Party-Goer: You want to go upstairs?
Meg: Sure!
Random Party-Goer: Good. Go.

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Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley