Shhh! The green shirt went by again! If it goes around 30 times in 5 minutes, you get to have a diet coke!

Lois

Peter: Alright, lets dope her up good -- get that mouth off her.
Cleveland: No Peter! The problem is you!

The new maid is peeing on me, and she didn't even say anything clever!

Stewie

Whew, I was damn near out of tweed.

Cleveland

I'm an idiot? All anyone remembers from your argument is that you're in a wheelchair!

Quagmire

Quagmire: Is your baby pregnant?
Peter: I dunno, Lois is in charge of the kids.

I feel like once I get them on a schedule, every thing will be fine!

Stewie

Brian: This one's bones feel all loose.
Stewie: I think this one's blind.

Jeez, that word looks a lot harsher when it's in all caps.

Quagmire

I caught two of them trying to eat each other, so that's something we need to watch out for.

Stewie

Brian save the placenta! Save it, I want to eat it.

Stewie

Stewie: What kind of feet can fit in these shoes?
Brian: Your feet!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!